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Dick,an angler from Barnsley is walking towards his favourite farm pond for a mornings fishing when he spots a man knelt down,dipping his right hand into a nearby drain and sipping the water from it.."Ere mate" shouted Dick "Tha doesn't want to be drinkin watter from theer,it's full o chuffin hoss pi*s an cow shite" The man stands up and says"I am sorry ,pardon me,i am from Poland and do no understand you very good,please could you say slower please" to which Dick replies "IF YOU USE TWO HANDS YOU WILL BE ABLE TO DRINK IT QUICKER MY FRIEND"

Edited by wellyphant
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I ordered a Chinese meal last night. Chinese driver came to our door and I walked out to meet him. He started shouting "isolate" "isolate" I said you’re not that late, I only ordered 25 minutes ago!

Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So an official went to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities. "T

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Two blokes walk into a pub, order two pints of bitter, and grab a pew.

 

One of them announces he needs to pee and walks off to the toilets.

 

A tall dark skinned lady saunters over to their table, turns round, bends over, and promptly breaks wind straight into the absent drinkers pint. She then turns calmly round and returns to her stool at the bar.

 

When his mate returns, the first guy tells his mate what happened. Obviously enraged, the guy walks straight up to the lady and says "Oi, you fart in me Whitbread?"

 

To which she replies...(wait for it)

 

"No love, I'm Tessa Sanderson!"

Geoff

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Bloke goes to the doctors with a pain in his left eye, and is told by the doctor that he is going to lose his eyeball, and will need a glass eye. Operation done, the man looks in the mirror and is horrified to find he has an orange glass eye to match his brown real one! The doctor apologetically explains that to get a colour coordinated eye would cost £2,500, but that NHS free eyes came in whatever colour they could get at the time. Another option would be an eye donor, but none were available in his colour at the moment. Were the man to find an eye donor, the operation could be done for free on the NHS.

 

So off the man goes, not entirely happy with his mismatched glass eye, but at least hopeful that one day a suitable donor could be found.

 

Driving back from the surgery he comes across some debris in the road, massive skids marks, and a mangled car off to the side of the road. He stops his car and jumps out to see if he can help. Looking into the vehicle he sees a very obviously dead driver that no amount of first aid will help. What really strikes him though is the fact that the driver has eyes that match the colour of his natural eye exactly! He thinks for a minute, pacing up and down, and finally summons up the courage to do the dirty deed. He plucks out the drivers left eye, wraps it in tissue, and stuffs it in his pocket with the intention of phoning the surgery in the morning to say he had located a donor. So as not to raise any suspicions he puts his glass eye into the dead drivers head, and then returns to his car and drives home.

 

Once at home he starts to get a bad case of nerves...would he be caught? Was he watched? Was there a passenger in the car he hadn't seen? Eventually he decides to drive back past the scene of the crash to see what is happening. Upon reaching the scene of the crash he is confronted with about a dozen emergency service vehicles all with flashing blue lights, and a large congregation of personnel by the crashed vehicle looking perplexed. He goes over to see what he can learn. A policeman stops him going any further, and explains there has been a fatal road accident. "Oh dear" says the man "what happened?". "Well it appears the driver lost control of his car and left the road" says the Policeman continuing "although it's hardly surprising". "Why's that asks the man", to which the Policeman replies, "Well the daft bugger was as blind as a bat, we found he had two glass eyes!".

Geoff

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Young Chuck in Kent bought a horse from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'

 

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

 

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already'

 

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

 

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

 

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

 

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

 

Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead.'

 

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

 

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two quid a piece and made a profit of £998.'

 

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

 

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two quid back.'

 

Chuck grew up and works now for the government. He was the one who figured out how to "bail us out".

" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

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It's been real cold around here of late. How cold?

 

It was so cold, I saw my lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. And he was shaking worse than a queer at a weenee roast.

Be good and you will be lonely.
~ Mark Twain

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Best done in authentic accents:

 

Luke: But Master Kenobi, my bacon sandwich is awfully dry

 

Obi Wan: Luke, use the sauce.

Geoff

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wisewomwn.jpg

 

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

 

This is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

 

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

 

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

 

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

 

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

 

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

 

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

 

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

 

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

 

"Good trade....."

Edited by Emma two
"Some people hear their inner voices with such clarity that they live by what they hear, such people go crazy, but they become legends"
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Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

 

"Good trade....."

Tee hee!

 

I saw a doctor on television this morning. He said the way to achieve inner

peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around

my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before

leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a

bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage

of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of

the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who frkin gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece

Eating wild caught fish is good for my health, reduces food miles and keeps me fit trying to catch them........it's my choice to do it, not yours to stop me!

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Worms..:) :) :)

 

Den

"When through the woods and forest glades I wanderAnd hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees;When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur,And hear the brook, and feel the breeze;and see the waves crash on the shore,Then sings my soul..................

for all you Spodders. https://youtu.be/XYxsY-FbSic

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