HAVE A LAUGH

[greg long]

uploaded cartoons

[greg long]

and a few more

[Bobj]

Darwin awards for 2008.

 

Eighth Place

In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

 

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

 

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

 

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

 

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

 

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

 

HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

 

RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.

Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

 

AND THE WINNER IS...

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.

It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves.. '**** happens'.

[severus]

Michael Jackson had a minor accident yesterday.

 

He fell off a minor.

Edited March 7, 2009 by severus

[wellyphant]

Two flies decide to have a race across Shaun Wright Phillips bottom lip.They both set off and when one of the flies reached the other side the other one was already there waiting for him,"how did you get here so bloody quick?" enquired the losing fly,the winner replied"i took a short cut around the back of his head".

[Bobj]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

 

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

 

The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive.'

 

'How much?' asked Grandpa.

 

'$10.00 a pill,' Answered the son.

 

'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.'

 

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, 'I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

 

'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma!'

[wellyphant]

Paddy and Mick are going up the chain race of the latest white knuckle roller coaster at Alton towers.Paddy grabs Micks wrist and asks nervously"when we go upside down do you think we'll fall out?" to which Mick replies"course we wont,we've been mates for years"

[hembo]

Old Age Alphabet

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A's for arthritis,

B's the bad back,

C's the chest pains - perhaps car-d-iac?

 

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

 

H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;

I is for incisions with scars you can show...

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

 

L is for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

 

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

 

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T is for Tinnitus - there's bells in my ears!

U is for urinary... big troubles with flow;

V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

 

W is for worry - NOW what's going 'round?

X is for X ray, and what might be found;

Y is another year I'm left here behind,

Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind.

 

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[n4lly]

Why it is important to learn English

 

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I wentto the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line.

 

Just one lady in front of me ... an Asian lady who was trying to

 

exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . .

 

She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? 'Yesterday, I get two hunat

 

dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'

 

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'

 

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

[corydoras]

(December 1988, Romania) I was a student of electricity and mechanics in Communist Romania. At the time, it was mandatory for all children, including university students, to boost the economy by 'active participation.' Each autumn we worked in agriculture, harvesting fruits and vegetables, and for three weeks per year we were required to train in a power plant or factory, to get a feel for successful communist industry. This was known as "Rub The Mint".

 

My class was sent to Slatina where aluminum was obtained with the old power-hungry electrolysis process. We were not much use, so we were ignored by the people in charge of our 'training.' We spent the down time reviewing our class notes. Not only were the students bored, but so were many workers in the factory, who were actually paid for doing nothing.

 

One day I was assigned to walk documents from one department to another. On the way, I spotted two men crafting a wooden coffin. I was accustomed to all kinds of crazy sights, but a coffin... intriguing. Was the aluminum factory branching out into funeral supplies? No. "The coffin is for a comrade who accidentally removed himself from the gene pool," the woodcrafters told me.

 

Two recent hires, men in their twenties, were fiddling with the pressurized air hose used to power industrial air tools. They swept the dust off their dusty clothes; this was so much fun, one of them dropped his pants to feel the air sweep across his testicles. He bent further, and bet his comrade that he had the guts to pressurize his guts, and maybe have some fun farts. He proceeded to stick the hose in his anus and release six bar (atmospheres) of pressure, inflating and rupturing his colon and intestines.

 

He died within minutes from massive internal hemorrhage. He would not have survived even if he had pressurized himself in a hospital corridor. The autopsy revealed that the deceased had ruptured several meters of his colon and intestines. He was later found to have broken (heh) internal (heh) regulations. His 'scientific collaborator' stated that he did not believe his comrade would be so stupid as to proceed, and thought he was only goofing off.

 

(December 1988, Romania) I was a student of electricity and mechanics in Communist Romania. At the time, it was mandatory for all children, including university students, to boost the economy by 'active participation.' Each autumn we worked in agriculture, harvesting fruits and vegetables, and for three weeks per year we were required to train in a power plant or factory, to get a feel for successful communist industry. This was known as "Rub The Mint".

 

My class was sent to Slatina where aluminum was obtained with the old power-hungry electrolysis process. We were not much use, so we were ignored by the people in charge of our 'training.' We spent the down time reviewing our class notes. Not only were the students bored, but so were many workers in the factory, who were actually paid for doing nothing.

 

One day I was assigned to walk documents from one department to another. On the way, I spotted two men crafting a wooden coffin. I was accustomed to all kinds of crazy sights, but a coffin... intriguing. Was the aluminum factory branching out into funeral supplies? No. "The coffin is for a comrade who accidentally removed himself from the gene pool," the woodcrafters told me.

 

Two recent hires, men in their twenties, were fiddling with the pressurized air hose used to power industrial air tools. They swept the dust off their dusty clothes; this was so much fun, one of them dropped his pants to feel the air sweep across his testicles. He bent further, and bet his comrade that he had the guts to pressurize his guts, and maybe have some fun farts. He proceeded to stick the hose in his anus and release six bar (atmospheres) of pressure, inflating and rupturing his colon and intestines.

 

He died within minutes from massive internal hemorrhage. He would not have survived even if he had pressurized himself in a hospital corridor. The autopsy revealed that the deceased had ruptured several meters of his colon and intestines. He was later found to have broken (heh) internal (heh) regulations. His 'scientific collaborator' stated that he did not believe his comrade would be so stupid as to proceed, and thought he was only goofing off.