HAVE A LAUGH

[1superken]

Paddy asks Murphy ' why do scuba divers fall of their boats backwards ? ' to which Murphy replies ' you thick t*** Paddy , if they fell forwards they'd still be on the f****** boat !

[Worms]

Paddy asks Murphy ' why do scuba divers fall of their boats backwards ? ' to which Murphy replies ' you thick t*** Paddy , if they fell forwards they'd still be on the f****** boat !

'kin brilliant, another pair of jeans in the wash.................ooh my sides

[1superken]

A teacher asks little Jimmy to give her a sentence with the word contagious in it , little Jimmy thinks a while ...... & says yesterday while walking home from school with my Dad i saw my neighbour painting his fence with a toothbrush & i said to my Dad its gonna take that c*** a*** to do that

[1superken]

There's a nun waiting at a bus stop.. finally the bus arrives and she hops on, looks around and notices that she is the only passenger.

 

So she turns to the driver and says in her sweetest, most heavenly voice.

 

" good evening to you Mr bus driver, i am Sister Mary, i was wondering if you could possibly do me a favour?"

 

" Of course sister, i am always willing to help out the servants of the lord"

 

" well she says, it's a little embarrising, but, well... i'm sort of dying, and i have been a nun all my life. I was wondering if, maybe you would have sex with me before i die, just so i can experience the thrill?"

 

The bus driver looks shocked, but slowly nods his head.

 

" of course sister, it would be an honour"

 

"there are 2 conditions" says the sister

"Firstly, you can't be married as i wouldn't want you to commit adultery and ruin the chance of you getting into heaven"

 

"I'm not married" replies the bus driver

 

"and secondly, you will have to put it up my bum as i would like to die a virgin, so as not to ruin my chances of getting into heaven"

 

The bus driver again looks shocked but nods his agreement.

 

So he parks up in a lay by and takes sister Mary to the back of the bus, bends her over and slips it into her wrong un..

 

After a good 10 minutes the bus driver finally shoots his load, pulls out and immediatly starts to cry..

 

"I'm sorry sister, but i lied, i'm married and even have 2 kiddies, i'm so sorry"

 

"That's ok my son......

 

"My names Frank and i'm on my way to a fancy dress party"

 

 

 

Sorry if your a nun, a bus driver or called Frank... :D

Edited March 23, 2009 by 1superken

[1superken]

Little Johnny runs home from school, burst into the house and shouts..

 

"mum, mum, mum.... i had sex with my geography teacher today"

 

His mum looks up in shock, grabs him by the ear and drags him into his fathers study..

 

"tell your father what you have done " and with that walks out leaving father and son alone..

 

"Dad, dad, dad... today i had the sex with my geography teacher, but i think mum's really mad at me now"

 

His father looks at Johnny, opens his arms and offers the boy a hug....

 

Son.. today you became a real man, and i think that now is the time to let you have your brothers bike.. go out to the garage and take it for a spin my son...i am so proud of you.

 

With this Johnny promptly burst into tears..

 

His father, confused asks.. but Johnny, i thought you'd be happy. I know how long you've waited to ride your brothers bike..

 

Johnny, face red and streaming with tears looks up at his father and says.. i am daddy... it's just, i can't ride it right now... my bum hurts.

[1superken]

just got banned from b&q some t### in an orange suit asked me if i wanted decking luckily i got the first punch in

[1superken]

The agent asked, 'What's your name?'

The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'

'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation, once again many thanks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

[1superken]

Two eggs boiling in a pan,one said to the other,look at my crack,the other replied dont tease me im not hard yet.

None left know

[five bellies]

Bloke on holiday in Amsterdam asks for the fattest ugliest they have with saggy t!ts and a f*#ny like a ripped out fireplace..

 

brothel owner says;"feeling kinky tonight sir?"

 

man says; "no, just homesick!"

[five bellies]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

 

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

 

When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

 

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

 

When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"

 

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

 

The husband sighed. "Oh ****. It's started."