HAVE A LAUGH

[Worms]

The husband sighed. "Oh ****. It's started."

Oh please stop, we've got guests arriving and I'm supposed to be tidying the house before the mrs gets back from work!

[wellyphant]

I was walking past a mental hospital the other day when i heard some of the residents shouting 16 16 16 16 16.Curiosity got the better of me so i climbed up the 9 foot wall to find out what was happening.As i got to the top and looked over the wall one of the fu**ers poked me in the eye with a sharp twig and i fell to the ground in agony.That's when they started shouting 17 17 17 17...

[wellyphant]

ALZHEIMERS PROTEST MARCH............

1. 
    
   

"What do we want?"......."f**k knows"

1. 
    
   

"When do we want it?"......"want what?"...

[five bellies]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

 

The librarian says; "F*ck off, you won't bring it back."

[steve duffy]

I went for an Indian last night. The waiter came over and said "Curry OK?"

 

I said "Go on then, one song then you can p*** off".

[Newt]

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

[Bobj]

The Irish Golfer...

 

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking

for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump

on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the

little guy, reviving him.

 

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

 

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

 

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya

want?'

 

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want

anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

 

And the golfer walks off.

 

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

 

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want.. a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

 

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

 

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to

ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

 

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.

I'm an internationally famous golfer

now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

 

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.

And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

 

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.

 

'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills

I didn't even know were there!'

 

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

 

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's

OK.'

 

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I

did a good job. How many times a week?'

 

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then

whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

 

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only

once or twice a week?'

 

'Well,' says the

golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

[Bobj]

Deliciously Politically Incorrect...But what the heck?!

 

 

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

 

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

 

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.

 

Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

[Newt]

ROF

[Bobj]

A woman walks into the

Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...

 

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?'

 

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard

 

that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

 

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up.

 

I'll need all your children's names.'

 

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'

 

'OK, and who's next?'

 

'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'

 

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the

 

oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest

 

girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing

 

a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'

 

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to

 

get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartestidea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

 

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and

 

says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

 

 

 

'I call them by their surnames!'