HAVE A LAUGH

[kleinboet]

A new doctor started at a hospital in Wales. All was going well until four black men cam in, complaining of a cough. In order to save time he asked them all to strip for an examination in the same cubicle. He came back, took one look and called for the consultant. He explained tat the four men had stripped and one had a WHITE p***s!!

The consultant went to check and came back smirking - "It's all right, they are all white coal miners and the one went home for lunch!"

[Bobj]

:bigemo_harabe_net-163:

[Bobj]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

 

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

 

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

 

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.

 

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

 

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

 

She said, 'That was incredible!'

 

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

 

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

 

After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

 

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

 

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray River !!!

[Bobj]

The Harley-Davidson Facts

 

 

 

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

 

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles

have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

 

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

 

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

 

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

 

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

 

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

 

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

 

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

 

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

 

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

 

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

 

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

 

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

 

 

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

 

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

 

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

 

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur,

'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[wellyphant]

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and shouts "You have all got 60 seconds to get out of here then i'm gonna blow the place to kingdom come",,a tortoise at the back of the shop replies "You lousy bastard"

[Bobj]

WATCH THOSE KIDS!!

 

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4

inches deep.

 

2! .) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller

blades, they can ignite.

 

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded

restaurant.

 

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong

enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman

cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to paint can, to spread paint on

all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

 

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using

a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you

get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

 

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a

ceiling fan.

 

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too

late.

 

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

 

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-

year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

 

10.) Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old

Boy.

 

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

 

12.) Super glue is forever.

 

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t

walk on water.

 

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

 

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show

they do.

 

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

 

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

 

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

 

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like

ovens.

 

20.) The fire department in Austin TX has a 5-minute response time.

 

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

 

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

 

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

 

24.) 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or

without kids.

 

25.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

[Newt]

The Brothel

 

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

 

'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

 

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

 

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

 

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

 

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

 

After an hour, the man calmly left.

 

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

 

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

 

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

 

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

 

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'

 

The man replied, ' New Brunswick .

 

‘‘Really’, she said. 'I have family in ' New Brunswick .'

 

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

 

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

 

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[Clifftop]

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when

Suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip

Me, whip me!"

 

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not

Have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window,

Snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

 

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are

Starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one

Look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

 

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that

She allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.

 

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in

 

 

 

 

All my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".

 

 

Cheers Fred

[barry luxton]

[Newt]

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

 

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

 

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

 

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

 

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

 

He says, "Where the heck are you going"?

 

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

 

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

 

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.