HAVE A LAUGH

[Bobj]

Tools and their uses

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DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sh — ‘

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

 

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, predictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

 

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

 

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic

parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

 

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘DAMM-IT’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Newt]

Ah - it is nice to know you folks down under use exactly the same tools we do. :D

[Emma two]

A Drover walks into a bar with

a pet crocodile by his side.

 

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons.

'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

 

Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.

 

'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

 

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,

and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the

crocodile hard on the top of its head

 

The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

 

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

 

 

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

 

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

 

 

A woman timidly

Spoke up..........

 

 

 

 

 

'I'll try it -

Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

[John S]

[Newt]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

 

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

 

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

 

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

 

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

 

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

 

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

 

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.

 

You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

 

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

 

'There's no charge,' she says.

 

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

 

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.

 

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

 

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

 

'So I just switched the heads.'

 

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING)

[Newt]

Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different parts of town.

 

*Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

 

*Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house, and has a lot of money to spend.

 

*"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?

 

Jose says,

"Look at your sign, what does it say?"

 

Carlo's sign reads;

"I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."

 

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

 

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"

 

Carlo's says, "Alright, what does your sign say?"

 

It reads,

"I only need ten more dollars to get back to Mexico .."

[Clifftop]

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as

possible. The short story had to contain the following three things:

 

(1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery

 

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.

 

Below is the A+ short story:

 

 

 

Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?

[kleinboet]

I believe she is now Dean of literature at the same college!!

[Chris Goddard]

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now...

 

 

No Jesus

No Christmas

No television

No lapdancers

No rugby

No football

No darts

No golf

No pubs

No Walmart/Tesco

No Home Depot

No BBQ

No hot dogs

No burgers

No chocolate chip cookies

No lobster

No shellfish

No pizza

No wine

No beer

No soccer/football/basball/cricket.

Rags for clothes and towels for hats.

Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.

Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

More than one wife.

You can't shave.

Your wives can't shave.

You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

Your bride is picked by someone else.

She smells just like your donkey.

But your donkey has a better disposition

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

 

 

 

Edited April 29, 2009 by Chris Goddard

[Jim Roper]

I've been away so this might be an old one.

 

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day & said,

"Alastair , I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win

back Middle England."

 

"Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Darling.

 

"Well" said Brown, "we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour

coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador

. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub,

in Much Something or other, and we'll show we really enjoy the

countryside, oh and remember not to mention the Hunting With Dogs Act."

 

"Right PM" said Darling.

 

So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at

heel, they set off from London.

 

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and

found a lovely country pub and with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

 

"Good evening Landlord, two pints of your best ale, from the wood

please", said Brown

 

"Good evening, Prime Minister", said the landlord, "two pints of best

it is, coming up."

 

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes,

nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog

lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about

how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not

paying the council tax.

 

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a

grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the

Labrador lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders

and walked back to the other bar.

 

A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same

procedure.

 

To the bewilderment of Brown and Darling people of all ages and gender

followed suit over the next hour.

 

Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord

over.

 

"'Tell me", he said, "Why did all those people come in and look under

the dog's tail like that? Is it an old country custom?"

 

"Good Lord no", said the landlord. "It's just that someone has told

them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes."