HAVE A LAUGH

[Clifftop]

Can I laugh at that ?

 

Den

 

 

It's not mandatory and we wouldn't know anyway.

[Newt]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

 

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot

accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The

florist was pleased and left the shop.

 

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a

'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

 

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his

bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm

doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

 

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank

you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

 

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his

bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm

doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy

and left the shop.

 

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen

Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between

the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[kleinboet]

Newt, If that wasn't so true - it would be hilarious!!!

[Newt]

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES.................

 

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

 

They were very excited.

 

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk

 

on productive salesmanship.

 

*******************************************************

 

Little Sally led off:

 

"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,

 

"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit

 

And I credit that approach for my obvious success."

 

"Very good," said the teacher.

 

*******************************************************

 

Little Jenny was next:

 

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to

 

everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

 

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

 

********************************************************

 

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

 

The teacher held her breath.

 

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

 

"$2,467," he said.

 

"$2,467!" cried the teacher,

 

"What in the world were you selling?"

 

"Toothbrushes," said little Johnny..

 

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,

 

"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

 

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand.

 

I gave everybody who walked by a sample.

 

They all said the same thing,

 

"Hey, this tastes like ****!"

 

Then I would say,

 

"It is ****.

 

Wanna buy a toothbrush..........? "

[kleinboet]

[Newt]

A woman from Los Angeles , CA , who was a tree hugger, a democrat, and

an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She

wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to

climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl

that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree

to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

 

In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a Doctor. She

told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and

how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story

with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room

and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours

before the doctor reappeared.. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you

so long?'

 

He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the

Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of

Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a

recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'

[kleinboet]

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for your edification and enjoyment.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

 

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

 

Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

 

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

[Bobj]

A REMINDER

 

This week we celebrate a special birthday: Monica Lewinsky turns 44, can you believe it? It seems

 

like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

 

They grow up so fast, don't they....?

[Newt]

Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

 

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

 

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

 

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord it's 2009 and I’ve's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could haff put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

 

Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up

[Bobj]

The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of

medicines they know and what they are used for.

 

The first pupil said ... Tylenol? Very good !!!

 

And what is it used for? It is used for headache.

 

The second pupil said ... Nytol Excellent !!!

 

And what it is used for? To help you sleep.

 

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said ... Viagra.

Johnny .. What is it used for?

 

I think it can be used for diarrhea.

 

Who told you this ???

 

Nobody ... But every evening my mother tells my

father .. take a 'Viagra' ... maybe that little **** will get harder !!!