HAVE A LAUGH

[Worms]

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for your edification and enjoyment.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

 

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

 

Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

 

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

 

You missed the second bit KB!

PLUCK HERE!

[gozzer]

You missed the second bit KB!

PLUCK HERE!

 

What, this bit?

 

Pay no attention to the pseudo-academic bluster about pheasant pluckers, labiodental fricatives and the English longbow; this is a clever and amusing spoof, not to be taken seriously.

 

 

John.

[Worms]

That's the bit................not very amusing though is it.

 

Mind you the whole subject (including the posts that appear to have been deleted!?) ought to get transferred as a whole new thread that I'm sure will involve some lively debate and humour.

 

How about it mods?

{if KB wants to post the info on a new topic, I'll be happy to delete the one here and move any replies from here to that topic.

KB - if you do post it as a new topic, please click to report it and ask to have stuff moved. That way all the staff will see the alert and whoever is free can move content from here.

Newt}

Edited June 30, 2009 by Newt

[Newt]

 

You know you're a redneck when . . .

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8.. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15.. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

[Janet]

Newt, you look so much more fetching without the facial fungus....

 

Janet

[Bobj]

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation,

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

 

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?

Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.

Now stand and confess your transgression."

 

Again all was quiet.

 

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew.

 

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

 

I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

[greg long]

A blind man wanders into an all - girls bar by mistake.

 

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there

for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir,

I think it is only fair - given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

 

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

 

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

 

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

 

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

 

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

 

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

 

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

__________________

[kleinboet]

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in america..... Do you get drive through ATMs with braille lettering.

[Newt]

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

 

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

 

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

 

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it

 

for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

 

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

 

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

 

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!

 

Moral of this story...

 

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just a whole lot more 'youthfully challenged'.

[barry luxton]

Teacher brings young jonny home from behind the bike shed. Tells mum he was caught playing doctors and nurses with mary. So jonny's mother tells her 'lets not be too harsh on them, they are bound to be curious about sex at that age'.

 

Curious about sex replys the teacher, he's taken her appendix out.