JOKES! JOKES! JOKES!

[Guest tigger]

A black man walks into the Doctors with a Parrot on his head.

Doctor looks up and asks "what can I do for you?"

Parrot says " Can you get this black head off my foot ?"

[hembo]

A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did.

 

The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:

 

"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY."

[hembo]

It's Steve McClaren's first day as England manager and he walks into the showers and sees a huge poo on the floor. He goes straight to the dressing room to confront the players and asks "who's poo on the floor?" at which point Peter Crouch sticks his hand up and says "yeah, but I'm good in the air!"

[Guest Jan of the 2 Ghillies]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

 

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

 

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

 

"Sure."

 

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

 

"No, I can remember it."

 

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top,too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

 

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

 

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

 

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.

 

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

 

She stares at the plate for a moment.

 

"Where's my toast?"

[adambroadley]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

 

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

 

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[adambroadley]

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

 

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

 

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

 

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

 

16 years later

 

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

 

"What?"

 

I wee'd out a bullet.

 

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

 

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I wee'd out a bullet."

 

So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

 

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

 

The mom said "let me guess you wee'd out a bullet."

 

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"

Edited September 22, 2006 by adambroadley

[s_mac]

englishman, sctosman and irishman go to join the police force.

 

the sergant calls them in one by one to give them the good news.

 

the englishman goes in first, and the sergant says well done just one final question..who killed kennedy, "thats easy replied the englishman, that was lee harvey oswald" thats right the sergant replies, now go through that door, pick up your uniform and start monday.

 

the scotsman goes in, and the sergant says well done just one final question..who killed kennedy, "thats easy replied the scotsman, that was lee harvey oswald" thats right the sergant replies, now go through that door, pick up your uniform and start monday.

 

the irishman goes in and the sergant says well done paddy, one final question, who killed kennedy, "he says, i know this, just cant think" the sergant says i will get a cup of tea and you can tell me when i get back, off the sergant goes and the englishman and scotsman put there heads in the door and ask paddy how he is getting, on. they tell him they start monday, he replies " f**king hell, they got me on a murder case already lol

[Ali MacDonald]

Here's one

 

Man wakes up one morning to see his wife in a skimpy negligee, standing by

the bed, and with some velvet rope in her hand. She purrs at him "Tie me up

and you can do anything that you like"

 

 

 

So he did, and went fishing!!

 

Ali

[Clifftop]

Here's one

 

Man wakes up one morning to see his wife in a skimpy negligee, standing by

the bed, and with some velvet rope in her hand. She purrs at him "Tie me up

and you can do anything that you like"

 

 

 

So he did, and went fishing!!

 

Ali

 

excellent mate.

[adambroadley]

excellent mate.

i agree with you cliffy