SHAGGY DOG STORY

[hembo]

Desert Storm Twins

 

 

During Desert Storm, an American Air Force officer met a Saudi Air Force officer. They began to make small talk, and after the discussion had been carrying on for a little while, the Saudi officer decided to pull out his wallet and show pictures of his family to the American.

 

When the American saw the picture of the Saudi's family, he was shocked. "Hey, that looks like my son," he said, referring to one of the Saudi officer's children. "That looks just like my Juan!"

 

The Saudi officer explained. "About 15 years ago, I went to Mexico to drill from oil. While I was there, my wife and I decided to adopt a young boy. We named him Amal and he's grown up with us."

 

The American said, "Well, about 15 years ago, my wife and I were stationed at the Mexican embassy. We adopted Juan and now he's in high school. I wonder if your boy and mine are twins!"

 

Sure enough, the boys had the same birthday and they agreed that the two boys must have been twins. After the war ended, they agreed to meet in Los Angeles and have a big reunion. Of course, the news media received word of this and were eagerly anticipating the arrival of the young boy from the Middle East.

 

However, to the disappointment of the crowd that had assembled, it was announced that the plane would be over four hours late. Juan's mother said to the media, "You might as well go home. There's no point in waiting here."

 

"Why would we want to do that?" asked a reporter.

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"Well," she replied, "they're identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 

 

or try this one

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All the top chess players show up at a hotel for an important international tournament. They spend the first hour hanging around the lobby telling each other of their recent victories. Their crows get progressively louder and louder as each one tries to outdo the others.

 

The hotel manager gets tired of this, so he throws them out of the lobby and tells them to go to their rooms. "If there's one thing I can't stand," he says, "it's chess nuts boasting by an open foyer."

Edited September 22, 2006 by hembo

[adambroadley]

ha

[Puzzled]

Great stories, I love a good pun.

Reminds me of the alleged Horticultural News story from several years ago where it was reported that the tulip growers of Holland had discovered a super new fertiliser made from pulped up small furry rodents.

Yes, the headline read;

TULIPS FROM HAMSTER JAM

 

 

I'll get me coat

[Clifftop]

very good guys

[hembo]

Dogs in the Wild West

One hot and dry day in the Wild West, this dog walks into a saloon and says, "Gimme a beer". Evidently this type of thing wasn't too rare 'round those parts because the bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve dogs here." The dog then took out a silver dollar, dropped it on the bar, and said, "Look, I got money, and I want a beer." This scene had the potential to get ugly. The bartender, getting a little irate, said one more time, "We do not serve dogs here. Please leave." The dog growled, so the bartender pulled out a gun and shot the dog in the foot! The dog yelped, and ran out the door.

 

The next day, the swinging bar doors were tossed open and in walks the dog that had been in the saloon the day before. He was dressed all in black. A black cowboy hat, a black vest, three black cowboy boots and one black bandage. The dog looks around, waits for the talking to quiet down, and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dances with Cucumbers

May 5, 1863 -- Here on the frontier, I sometimes wonder if the ancients were right. With no other friendly face within 150 miles, it seems as if I _have_ fallen off the edge of the Earth.

 

I spend my time now reading what books I have and cultivating my patch of cucumbers (which I brought back from the Holy Land, cf. _Prince_of_Thieves_). The "purpose" of this fort, to hold back the Indians, has fallen away with my civilized veneer.

 

May 7, 1863 -- This morning I had an interesting and silent encounter. One of the tribe of Indians nearby watched me perform my morning tasks and then left without a word. I am excited by the prospect of contact with the natives of the area.

 

May 20, 1863 -- I have finally convinced the Indians to parlay with me. I taught them the word for "fort", feeling that it would be simple enough for them to learn. They in turn taught me the Indian word "titonka", apparently a small but tough, powerfully merchandised horseless carriage of metal construction. I envy these people their simplicity.

 

June 7, 1863 -- Today I visited the Indians' village. It is on one of the many flat-topped plateaus in the area. As the decline of the buffalo proceeds, so too does this Indian tribe face decline. I will try to teach them agriculture. They have also told me their name for themselves. It is "Anasazi"... which apparently means "people called Anasazi" in their language. I am called by them "Stinchapecsal" which means "he who should bathe more regularly".

 

July 8, 1863 -- A rude awakening. The Indians are fully aware of agriculture and in fact have nothing to do with the buffalo (what kind of nomadic tribe would build a village on a _mesa_?); unfortunately, they are suffering a drought.

 

Knowing a remedy, I have told them to dig a ditch from the nearby stream up the mountainside to their mesa-top fields. In the meantime, I am pickling my cucumbers.

 

July 20, 1863 -- The drought is desperate, but the ditch is finished and my pickles are ready. I am lining the ditch with pickles. The Anasazi are doubtful, but I have promised them results in the morning.

 

July 21, 1863 -- Success! The stream has been diverted and now flows up the mountainside to the Anasazi fields. Amazed by this seeming magic, I told them that it was simply a well-known fact in my world. After all, everyone knows that "dill waters run steep".

 

 

 

 

The Bush Pilot

A British bush pilot is flying on a job through the Australian outback when he encounters engine problems and is forced to make a crash landing. He survives, but is found unconscious and is taken to a local mission hospital which is run by the Sisters of Mercy. Upon awakening, he is greeted by the mother superior who advises him where he is and asks if there is anything he wants. He replies, "I am a bit thirsty...could I have a cup of tea?" to which the mother superior says, "I'm terribly sorry, but our supply truck is late and we are out of regular tea. However, we do have a sort of native drink that is brewed from koala hides." the pilot thinks awhile and replies, "Well, I just have to have my cuppa...you can bring me that, thanks."

 

The nun leaves and returns in a few minutes with a steaming cup. The pilot takes the cup gratefully, but upon taking a sip, instantly gags and spits it out. "This tea is filled with hair!", he exclaims disgustedly.

 

"Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry!" The nun replies, "I forgot to tell you: The koala tea of mercy is not strained!"

 

 

Soviet Ingenuity

So the Soviets got sick of buying wheat from the Americans and began to spend millions on research into grains. Finally U.S. intelligence found out that the Soviet scientists had developed a new grain that yielded twice the harvest of conventional wheat and grew in half the time. Several agents died before it was discovered that the new grain was called "Krilk". The CIA was panicked! Without the Soviet dependency on American grains the security of the West could be forever compromised.

 

Congress quickly convened and appropriated several hundred million dollars for the CIA to send up spy satellites over Russia to learn the secrets of Krilk. Finally, after several years, the satellites began to send back images of the factory deep in the Soviet Union that was processing the Krilk. The CIA sent in over a hundred agents. None returned. The process remained a secret. The satellites were next to useless because they could only see the outside of the building, not the actual milling of the harvests. Finally the Soviet Ambassador in Washington sent a message to the President of the U.S. to let him know that all further attempts to learn the secrets would be futile.

 

The message read...."You are wasting your money. Everyone knows that it's no use spying over milled Krilk!"

Edited September 23, 2006 by hembo

[Newt]

LOL - Hembo, those are sooo horribly bad. Love them.

[hembo]

An attractive man moved into the neighborhood, and several women thought it might be fun to get to know him better. None of them, however, were able to attract his attention.

 

One woman, frustrated by her failure, decided to seek help. She made an appointment with a famous astrologer, who cast her horoscope, told her the man was ideally suited to her, and advised her that the way to his heart was through his stomach -- that if she cooked wonderful foods for him he would find her irresistible. So she went home, prepared biscuits and chocolate chip cookies and other goodies, took them over to his place, and knocked on the door.

 

"Pardon me," she said, "I cooked up more of these than I can eat and wondered if you might like some." Alas, he did not.

 

"Phooey on astrology!" she said as she returned home.

[Actually, she said something a wee bit stronger.]

 

A second woman, observing the failure of the first woman, said to herself, "What a fool! Consulting an astrologer, how silly can you get! Everyone knows astrologers are all a bunch of fakes! I shall be smart! -- I'll go to see a psychic."

 

The psychic told her the man was ideally suited to her, and advised her that the way to win his love (or at least his lust) was to dress provocatively and to get body piercings in exotic locations (which she could offer to show him "in private"). So she did.

 

Alas, the provocative clothing and exotic body piercings had no effect in winning the man's attention.

 

"Phooey on psychics!" she said.

[Again, this is not an exact quote.]

 

A third woman, observing both these failures, said to herself, "I shall be rational." And she traveled out to The Amazing Meeting, confident the skeptics assembled there would be able to give her the advice she needed.

 

The 1st person she met told her that her desire to win the attentions of a man she knew so little about was irrational.

 

The 2nd person she met told her that her desire to win the attentions of a man she knew so little about was irrational, and offered himself as a substitute.

 

The 3rd person she met told her that her efforts were pointless. "Either the man is interested in you or he isn't. If he's interested, it doesn't matter what you do, you've got him. If he isn't interested, it doesn't matter what you do, you don't have him. Either way, it doesn't matter what you do."

 

The 4th person told her there was no way to know how to attract the man's interest, that people who said there was such a way just said so in order to control others, and that people who believed there was such a way (even though no evidence of such a way existed) did so out of personal insecurities.

 

The 5th person said basically the same thing as the 2nd person.

 

Fortunately the 6th person was more helpful. She convened a caucus of several other female skeptics, and together they came up with the following advice: "Observe the man you're interested in, see how he spends his time and learn what his interests are. Then use what you learn." The woman thanked them, and traveled home.

 

Once home, she put their advice into action. She observed the man, and noted he spent a good deal of time in the yard apparently holding conversations with a large orange cat.

 

"Aha!" she said to herself. "He must be a cat lover!" So she acquired a gorgeous calico cat, which she then took numerous photos of so she could "accidentally" drop them when standing in line behind him at the grocery store and then casually start a conversation about her cat.

 

She put the plan into effect -- to no avail. The man was completely uninterested in looking at cat pictures or talking about cats.

 

"Maybe if I looked more like a cat he would be interested," she thought. So she rented a cat costume, bought some perfume "guaranteed to bring out the tiger in your man", and rang his doorbell. "Trick or treat," she said, pretending she had misread the calendar and thought it was Halloween.

 

Again, the man showed absolutely no interest in her.

 

She went home and decided to think the matter over logically. What was it the man was actually interested in? She went back over what she had observed, and suddenly the answer came to her!

 

She spent the next week with her cat, tape-recording every sound it made and repeating the sounds back until she could make exactly the same sounds the cat did. Then, armed with her new knowledge, she headed over to the man's place to win the object of her desire.

 

There he was in the yard! She went up to him and began making cat-like sounds. The man looked at her, fascinated, and responded with cat-like sounds of his own. Shortly afterwards they went inside to continue their conversation more privately.

 

A week later, the woman who had consulted the astrologer and the woman who had consulted the psychic came over to visit the woman who had consulted the skeptics. "Congratulations," they told her. "But how on earth did you manage to get him to notice you?"

 

"Well, I knew I needed to figure out what he liked. I could tell it had something to do with cats, but at first I didn't understand just what it was. But winning his affection was easy once I realized he was --"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a man of meow words

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