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OK I'm scared.


*Ant*

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I don't really know why i'm posting this, but sitting here right now it seems the right thing to do. I'm not wanting sympathy or pity, what I do need is to put something down in words, and hopefully some positive energy flowing my way. 

I've had a cough for around 5 weeks, and the odd day when i've had a sharp stabbing pain around my chest and sides around my ribcage and a shortness of breath. My girlfriend being the wonderful and loving type had googled and read up on the more detailed symptoms I was showing. She thought it may have been a bout of pneumonia and suggested I talk to my doctor. So wednesday morning I get a telephone appointment with my doctor who tells me he'll get me an urgent chest x-ray at the local community hospital. I had to chase that up as didn't hear from them and managed to get "we'll squeeze you in if you can get here at 4pm". I did but they wouldn't discuss the results as a doctor needed to see the x-ray and i'd just "have to give my GP surgery a call in a couple of days". 

Anyhow I was a bit peeved by this and being in more and more pain as the day progressed I called Dawn my beautiful partner and asked if she'd come with me if I drove to the nearest A&E department, which she did and we arrived at Queens in Burton-upon-Trent around 8pm. After a 2hr wait I was seen by the fabulous staff who accessed my earlier x-ray on their computer and had my vitals and bloods taken. Around about 1hr later I was told I have a massive infection in both my lungs which was causing my cough and shortness of breath, but they'd give me antibiotics and it should clear up just fine. The only thing they were concerned with was that my bloods were showing up a marker that suggested I had a blood clot in my lung. They said it was a simple procedure to treat the blood clot but they needed to make sure exactly where it was, so they wanted me to have a CT scan on my lungs. Around 5am in the morning the scan is done and the doctor has looked at it and i'm waiting for him to come talk to me and get it sorted so I can get myself and poor Dawn (who's only been allowed to sit in the corridor for the last several hours) back home to bed. 

The doctor pops into my little cubicle on the A&E ward and draws the curtains.......and then drops the bombshell of all bombshells! "You have a large infection in your lungs, but the CT scan is showing a large cancer in your left lung that has spread to the top of your lung and into your right lung also".  WOW! Wasn't expecting that one, my worst nightmare come true. I grew up being terrified of two things - nuclear weapons and cancer!

It's coming up to 24hrs since I was told, and I still feel like i'm in an awful nightmare that I just know isn't going to end well. I don't mind telling you all that I am terrified, scared and fearing i'll never see my 7yr old grandsons excitement whilst opening his christmas presents ever again. 

I've had a call from my GP today to tell me he's been phoning around and chasing up, and i'm on a two week waiting list for an appointment with the oncology department. I have been told I will need to have lots more CT scans of all my body to find out where/if the cancer has spread. 

I've had some lovely messages from various family today giving me their love and best wishes and being positive. My mum, daughter and son are utterly broken, as well as my lovely Dawn. They are trying to be strong and thinking positive, and I guess I am too, although i'm probably failing misserably at both. I'm scared to get my hopes up and think positive, because i'm scared if they tell me it's spread further and that I have 3, 6 months etc it's going to be another hammer blow. Do I fear and prepare myself for the worst so that it's not another shock to the system, or do I be positive and risk being hit with another bombshell that i'm not expecting?

Anyhow I do apologise for rambling on, but forgive me as it has helped me somehow being able to type it out and put it in words. I'm a scared, terrified and broken man who has no idea what the future will hold, if any future at all. I'll try and fight this for the sake of my dear mum, my children and grandson, Dawn my soulmate and those that are close to me. And i'll try and keep you all up to date and maybe a kind of diary to let you know what is going on if it is of interest to any of you. Perhaps it may help in some strange way if anyone is unfortunate enough to follow in my footsteps. 

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Eat right, stay fit, die anyway.

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Bugger !,not good but medicine has progressed far even in a few years .Nothing anyone can say will help so its down to you ,your medical team and mostly your family.

You have heard what everyone dreads to hear but many hear them and are still here so never give up! but make sure  you put somewhere a letter with what you want to say to your family and another listing all your passwords for online banking and when and how much direct debits are so arrangements can be made to make life go on without you if the worse happens (which it does for everyone at some point !mines been sitting in our safe for years)

My suggestion (very easy in my case) is fear the worse and prepare for it and when the news is better things only get better . Stay firm ! My and i am sure your AN family's best wishes are with you and your family ,Dave

 

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Believe NOTHING anyones says or writes unless you witness it yourself and even then your eyes can deceive you

None of this "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" crap it just means i have at least two enemies!

 

There is only one opinion i listen to ,its mine and its ALWAYS right even when its wrong

 

Its far easier to curse the darkness than light one candle

 

Mathew 4:19

Grangers law : anything i say will  turn out the opposite or not happen at all!

Life insurance? you wont enjoy a penny!

"To compel a man to furnish contributions of money for the propagation of opinions which he disbelieves and abhors, is sinful and tyrannical." Thomas Jefferson

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Agree with Chesters on this, I had a similar scare years ago when my children were young teenagers, I left them a video that thankfully never got shown.

Cancer treatment has made massive leaps in recent years, a very good friend has a daughter who was diagnosed with an aggressive cancerous brain tumour when she was eight years old, Drs gave her six months to live, those words cut everyone down like a machine gun, words can never express those feelings.

She is now 22 years old, every year she has all the scans and tests and every year the Consultant says “you know what I am going to say, she has six months left!”

You have support here Ant, anytime you feel the need then open your heart mate. I know it sounds crazy but sometimes you have to convince yourself that you are going to be fine. You will pull through it, we can not see the future we can only play cards we are dealt but, in the words of the song “every hands a winner”

The next few weeks will be the toughest with the uncertainty of your situation so you come and tell us as often as you feel like and hope we can help you get through this.

Best wishes mate.

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"My imaginary friend doesn't like your imaginary friend is no basis for armed conflict...."

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bloody hell ! hope things turn out ok for you mate. your right it must be very scary . don't give up hope i'm sure you'll be ok  you have to be ok i still havn't seen you catch a carp from your stretch of the coventry canal yet. good luck ant

 

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Thank you all. Just an update, I'm booked in for scans on monday afternoon, so should know more by monday evening. It's going to be a long weekend but fingers crossed. 

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Eat right, stay fit, die anyway.

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More people then ever before are surviving cancer, and you are going to increase that number! Think positive Ant, because you are going to be here for years to come. 

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John S

Quanti Canicula Ille In Fenestra

 

Species caught in 2017 Common Ash, Hawthorn, Hazel, Scots Pine, White Willow.

Species caught in 2016: Alder, Blackthorn, Common Ash, Crab Apple, Left Earlobe, Pedunculate Oak, Rock Whitebeam, Scots Pine, Smooth-leaved Elm, Swan, Wayfaring tree.

Species caught in 2015: Ash, Bird Cherry, Black-Headed Gull, Common Hazel, Common Whitebeam, Elder, Field Maple, Gorse, Puma, Sessile Oak, White Willow.

Species caught in 2014: Big Angry Man's Ear, Blackthorn, Common Ash, Common Whitebeam, Downy Birch, European Beech, European Holly, Hawthorn, Hazel, Scots Pine, Wych Elm.
Species caught in 2013: Beech, Elder, Hawthorn, Oak, Right Earlobe, Scots Pine.

Species caught in 2012: Ash, Aspen, Beech, Big Nasty Stinging Nettle, Birch, Copper Beech, Grey Willow, Holly, Hazel, Oak, Wasp Nest (that was a really bad day), White Poplar.
Species caught in 2011: Blackthorn, Crab Apple, Elder, Fir, Hawthorn, Horse Chestnut, Oak, Passing Dog, Rowan, Sycamore, Willow.
Species caught in 2010: Ash, Beech, Birch, Elder, Elm, Gorse, Mullberry, Oak, Poplar, Rowan, Sloe, Willow, Yew.

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That was a tough read, especially as my brother has been going through a similar set of tests recently with (so far) negative results.

As everyone seems to be pointing out, survival odds are much better than they used to be and many people go on to live many years, with a good quality of life after treatment - my old neighbour was one.

Hopefully, you will feel much better soon now that the infection is being dealt with and be in a better place to fight this bloody thing.

 

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Species caught in 2020: Barbel. European Eel. Bleak. Perch. Pike.

Species caught in 2019: Pike. Bream. Tench. Chub. Common Carp. European Eel. Barbel. Bleak. Dace.

Species caught in 2018: Perch. Bream. Rainbow Trout. Brown Trout. Chub. Roach. Carp. European Eel.

Species caught in 2017: Siamese carp. Striped catfish. Rohu. Mekong catfish. Amazon red tail catfish. Arapaima. Black Minnow Shark. Perch. Chub. Brown Trout. Pike. Bream. Roach. Rudd. Bleak. Common Carp.

Species caught in 2016: Siamese carp. Jullien's golden carp. Striped catfish. Mekong catfish. Amazon red tail catfish. Arapaima. Alligator gar. Rohu. Black Minnow Shark. Roach, Bream, Perch, Ballan Wrasse. Rudd. Common Carp. Pike. Zander. Chub. Bleak.

Species caught in 2015: Brown Trout. Roach. Bream. Terrapin. Eel. Barbel. Pike. Chub.

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