[Can we have a joke section please?]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

 

 

 

40-ish - 49

Adventurous - Slept with everyone

Athletic - No tits

Average looking - Ugly

Beautiful - Pathological liar

Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills

Emotionally secure - On medication

Feminist - Fat

Free spirit - Junkie

Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person

Fun - Annoying

New Age - Body hair in the wrong places

Old-fashioned - No BJs

Open-minded - Desperate

Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate - Sloppy drunk

Professional - Bitch

Voluptuous - Very Fat

Large frame - Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate - Stalker

 

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

 

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

 

 

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

 

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

 

And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside

[Thanks from Charles Rangeley-W? Accidental Angler TV]

Just to bump it back to the top so those that are interested don't forget that it's on again this evening.

 

If you enjoy it, as I'm sure you will if it's as beautifully filmed as the first one, make sure you contact the BBC and let them know, to hopefully spur them into commissioning a second series. If we don't tell them we like it, how do they know?

 

Have a good evening everyone.

 

Janet

[Thanks from Charles Rangeley-W? Accidental Angler TV]

Charles,

 

explaining the fascination and compulsion of fishing

I thought you did that extremely well. I thought it was beautifully filmed, very interesting and I loved it. It caught the country, the people and the location very well. As a complete newcomer to angling, I was looking forward to it, and it didn't disappoint. I can't wait for the next one.

 

not the consummate TV presenter

 

I thought your quiet, unassuming style was a refreshing change from the usual know-it-all type of presenters. You conveyed the atmosphere and the anticipation very well.

 

Ignore the criticisms from the people who felt you didn't go into enough detail. If they want technique/tactics etc, they should buy themeselves a "How to" video. Just what did they expect from mainstream TV at peak time on a Sunday evening?

 

Well done to you, and the BBC for giving us a great programme which hopefully will inspire more to take up this great sport. Let's hope there's more to come.

 

Janet

 

PS. Let's have everyone who enjoyed it contact the BBC and let them know what you think!

[canned casters and maggots]

I came downstairs as he was tipping them into the boiling water, and grabbed the bag as he drunkenly said what a lovely, caring mum I was for leaving rice ready prepared for him!

 

Rescued the boiled ones and liquidised them to mix in with groundbait!

 

Janet

[canned casters and maggots]

I find both maggots and casters freeze beautifully.

 

Must remember to label them better in future though, as my son came in late one night and decided to cook curry...... amazing the resemblence maggots have to cooked rice when you've had too much to drink!

 

Janet

[stuck!....]

Clever bugger - I missed that!

 

Janet

[stuck!....]

Sign?

 

Hard to say without seeing the crossword and knowing if your others are correct!

 

Janet

[Bats]

Just googled it for fun - amazing how far that joke's got!

 

Janet

[What's happened?]

I've only been on here a short time, but in that time I've seen a gradual deterioration - bitchiness, backbiting, deliberate goading to get a response - like a bunch of adolescent kids with raging hormones.

 

Luckily the muppets who do this are far outnumbered by the more sensible and thoughtful members. Let's hope it continues to be so.

 

As my mum used to say to me and my sister - "Stop it, or I'll bang your bloody heads together!"

 

Janet

[Help somebody keep their allotment!]

Sorry for bothering you all!

 

I don't think anyone minds! After all, all you were trying to do was to help someone out. Having been on this forum only a short time, I'm tremendously impressed at how well people on here rally round with help and support when it's needed. I can only think of one other site like it.

 

Janet

[Carp Journals]

Julian,

 

A great read. Entertaining and evocative as always. Can't wait for the next one!

 

Janet

[My Book]

Cheers! Found it the other day, but only managed to read a couple of pages before the boss came round. Been trying ever since, but it's been unavailable - unable to display page.

 

Don't know whether its a problem at your end or with my work PC.

 

Will keep trying!

 

Janet

[The Accidental Angler]

Totally agree with MikeT. Stunning programme, beautifully filmed and very entertaining for anglers and non-anglers alike.

 

Janet

[any advice on catching lob worms]

Worms? Manure heaps? Cockroaches?

 

Oh please boys, I'm trying to eat my lunch here!

 

Janet

[SHORE FISHING - LANZAROTE]

I know what gear to take and will be fishing in PDC Just before Christmas...

 

I got it wrong - I'm actually staying in Puerto Calero! If you see a mad woman fishing from the rocks near the harbour, it'll probably be me!

 

Do say hello!

 

Janet

[SHORE FISHING - LANZAROTE]

Great information. I'm off to Puerto Del Carmen in December. Off to buy a travel rod this weekend!

 

Janet

[just being nosy]

I always go to the home page first.

 

There's some fascinating articles on there. If you come straight into the forums, you're missing a lot of good stuff.

 

Janet

[My Book]

Finished it.

 

Now, when can we expect the next instalment?

 

Janet

 

By the way - I thoroughly enjoyed it. I like your style. Easy to read and funny.

 

Edited because I forgot to say I liked it!

[My Book]

I'm enjoying it so far, but have to keep shutting down as my boss keeps annoying me, expecting me to be working!

 

Janet

[Wildlife]

This is the best thread I've read in ages. Lets have some more.

 

Janet

 

PS. You're all a bunch of big softies at heart, aren't you? Very nice.

[Angler Swept To Sea]

The last I heard was that they'd called off the sea search and were now concentrating on the shore line.

 

My thoughts go out to his family.

 

Janet

[How to avoid suicidal trout!]

Thanks for all the advice guys!

 

I don't use a keepnet - I prefer to release them as soon as possible. Don't see any point in using a keepnet for pleasure fishing. It would be nice on days like that to see all I've caught at the end of a session, but it just seems unnecessarily stressful on the fish.

 

Thanks Colin - I'm aware of the closed season, which is why I was trying to avoid them. All the fish went back safely and with the minimum of fuss.

 

I'll try your breadcrust tip at the weekend. Fingers crossed!

Janet

 

 

Janet

[How to avoid suicidal trout!]

I tried moving swims, but the buggers moved with me!

 

I guess it was just one of those days. Still, some of them were touching 3.5 lbs and put up a wicked fight, so it was an invaluable lesson in playing fish, keeping them away from the snags and landing them safely, so it wasn't an afternoon wasted.

 

Janet

[How to avoid suicidal trout!]

Hi guys,

 

Some of you have been good enough to advise me in the past as a complete novice to angling, so I'm here to pick your brains again.

 

I went out down to my local river (River Calder) on Sunday for (surprise, surprise!) an afternoon's fishing in the sunshine.

 

Previously at this spot I've caught trout, roach, perch, gudgeon and my very first carp, but this time, all I could catch was trout. I had over a dozen in the space of a couple of hours, all between two and four pounds, but nothing else, apart from one cheeky little minnow! It was a great afternoon's sport, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself, but what I would like to know is how to avoid catching nothing but trout.

 

I tried different baits throughout the afternoon - maggot, lobworms, luncheon meat, sweetcorn - you name it, I tried it, but still, trout after trout! I'm not really complaining, as it was really good fun and ANY fish is a bonus to me, but I'd like to know if there was anything I could or should have tried to catch something different?

 

Janet

[Wildlife]

I was sitting quietly fishing alone on a small pond in the grounds of a local National Trust property a couple of weeks ago, when what I can only describe as a stretch hamster appeared from a hole in the bank. It proceeded to climb over my feet then climbed into my groundbait bowl and help itself to lunch. It then sat on the edge of the peg and began to clean itself before wandering off back to its hole.

 

It was, of course, a weasel, but I had to check my wildlife book when I got home, just to be sure, as I'd never seen one in the wild before. I was completely frozen to the spot, not wanting to scare it off.

 

Made a good day's fishing even more memorable.

 

Janet