Military Humor

[Newt]

One reason the Armed Services have trouble operating jointly is that they have very different meanings for the same terms;

 

The Joint Chiefs once told the Navy to "secure a

building," to which they responded by turning off the lights and locking the doors.

 

The Joint Chiefs then instructed Army personnel to "secure the building," and they occupied the building so no one could enter.

 

Upon receiving the exact same order, the Marines

assaulted the building, captured it, and set up

defenses with suppressive fire & amphibious assault vehicles, established reconnaissance and

communications channels, and prepared for close

hand-to-hand combat if the situation arose.

 

But the Air Force, on the other hand, acted most

swiftly on the command, and took out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

 

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Army Sergeant sitting in a bar. Turns to the guy next to him and says "Want to hear a Marine joke?" Guy next to him says "See that guy on the other side of you?" "He's 6'6", weighs 245". "The guy next to him is 6'7" and weighs 250." "I'm 6'5 and weigh 248, and we're all

Marines." "Do you still want to tell your joke?

 

The Army guy says, "Nah. I don't want to repeat it three times"

 

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Army grunt, loaded with weapon and ruck, standing in a pouring rain: THIS SUCKS!

 

Airborne, same situation: THIS SUCKS, BUT I LOVE IT!

 

Ranger, in even a worse downpour: SURE WISH IT WOULD SUCK EVEN MORE!

 

Army aviator, looking down from his helicopter: SURE LOOKS LIKE IT SUCKS DOWN THERE.

 

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Plane calls tower and says what time is it? Tower says who are you? Pilot says why does that matter? Tower says well,

 

If you are in the airforce, it is 3 o'clock.

 

If you are in the navy, it is 6 bells

 

If you are in the army, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3

 

If you are in the marines, it is Thursday afternoon.

 

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A retired Navy Chief and a retired Marine Corps

Gunnery Sergeant were sitting at the stag bar arguing about which had the tougher career.

 

"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars.

 

Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Iwo

Jima, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out two enemy machine gun positions with grenades. I was wounded and evacuated to the States where I spent 7 months in the hospital."

 

"As a sergeant, I fought in Korea with Chesty Puller at the Chosin Reservoir. I made the long march to Hung Nam and later landed at Inchon. I spent two years in combat under constant enemy fire. I was wounded again and awarded a Bronze Star for saving my Company Commander."

 

"Finally, as a Gunnery Sergeant I had two back-to-back combat tours in Vietnam with the Infantry. I humped through the mud and razorgrass for up to 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, dodging sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. I was involved in more firefights than I can count where we fired

until our ammunition was gone and then charged the enemy with bayonets. When I retired from the Corps I was awarded 80% disability by the Veterans Administration."

 

Looking straight ahead the old Chief said nothing. Then, after a deliberately long, slow drink, he retorted "It figures...all friggin' shore duty!"

 

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Combined nite exercises in the field. Army & Air

Force & MARINE sergeants sitting around the fire

arguing which branch of service has the most guts.

 

Air Force sgt. yells to one of his: "Private, stick this bayonet into the palm of your hand". Private does it without a sound. AF sgt. says " that takes guts"

 

Army sgt. yells to one of his: "Private stick your hand in this fire for one minute" Private does it, without a sound. Army Sgt. says "that really takes guts !"

 

MARINE sgt. yells at one of his: "Private, stick your D$ck in this fire for 5 minutes". Private yells back "Get stuffed, Sarge !" MARINE Sgt. says "Gentlemen, THAT is guts "!

 

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An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is sh*t!"

 

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good sh*t!"

 

A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great sh*t."

 

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this sh*t."

 

The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an

air-conditioned office, and says, "My e-mail's out?

What kind of sh*t is this?"