New Employee Rules

[Andy Buckman]

NEW EMPLOYEE RULES WILL BE REVISED IN YOUR

EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK AT A LATER DATE!!

 

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

 

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

 

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.

They are called Saturday &Sunday.

 

VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.

The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

 

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

 

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

 

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme

emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

 

LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast &take a diet pill.

 

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada shoes &carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financial and therefore you do not need a raise.

 

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

 

Management

[northern mark]

Looks like we work for the same company

 

Mark

[Newt]

An employee's requests to his boss

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

 

2.If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

 

3.Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

 

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and this is good training.

 

5. If you give me more that one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

 

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. Beside, having no life will help prepare me for making partner.

 

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

 

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.

 

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.

 

10.Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deduction powers will identify them.

 

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

 

12. Tell me all your little problems. None of the rest of us have any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.