Jokes - Some are even new!

[Paul_D]

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando

died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.

 

Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

 

 

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're

incredibly hard, but I was

never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two

grams to get me to sleep at night.

 

Susan Murray at the Underbelly

 

 

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in

Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

 

Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

 

 

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to

Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to

sound like a tw*t.

 

Susan Murray at the Underbelly

 

 

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the

other day. She said,

"Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I

said,

"All right, but we're not going to get much done."

 

Jimmy Carr at the ICC

 

 

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party

dressed as a goat.

 

Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

 

 

You have to remember all the trivia that your

girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get

tested. She'll go:

"What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to

yourself:

"Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"

 

Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

 

 

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went

into Boots and punched someone in the face.

 

Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

 

 

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for

experimentation.

 

Jimmy Carr

 

 

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I

would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For

Help".

 

Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

 

 

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating.

You can take the Girl out of Cork ...

 

Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

 

 

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station.

Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

 

Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

 

 

Employee of the month is a good example of how

somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same

time.

 

Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

 

 

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than

the right to arm bears.

 

Chris Addison at the Pleasance

 

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant

that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

 

Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

 

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat

dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong,

but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying

it as well.

 

Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

 

A dog goes into a hardware store and says:

"I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner

says:

"We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the

circus?" The dog replies:

"What would the circus want with a plumber".

 

Steven Alan Green at C34

 

 

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at

Asda.

 

Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

 

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really

loud "I've already got one!"

 

Norman Lovett at The Stand

 

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of

cake.

 

Chris Addison at the Pleasance

 

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation

- but I'm not very good at it.

 

Arnold Brown at The Stand

 

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go

through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then

jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

 

Milton Jones at the Underbelly

 

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week

and I saw this sign:

"This door is alarmed." I said to myself:

"How do you think I feel?"

 

Arnold Brown at The Stand

 

 

well, they're new to me.

[gareths]

BRILLIANT m8, I laughed for ages.

[Zigs]

excelent, all new to me too, have been trying to think of a way to express the cheap supermarket clientel for years, lol

[Salar]

Brilliant. Haven't had a laugh like that for ages...

[Guest sslatter]

"Aaah, I LOVE a drum! You can't beat a drum!"

 

Ken Dodd at Huyton Con. Club.