any good jokes

[nursejudy]

took me ages to get that one

[Bill Dingley]

An Irishman, 6' 6" and 20 stone was sitting at the bar quietly drinking and minding his own business when in walked a smart lttle guy who was very very obviously gay. He sat on the next stool to Paddy and after a couple of large gin and tonics, plucked up courage, leaned over to Paddy and asked in a whisper "would you like a blow job?" Paddy grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, dragged him outside and beat seven bells out of him.

He then resumed his seat at the bar. The barman said "Hell Paddy I've never seen you lose your temper like that, what did he whisper to you?"

"I'm not to sure " said Paddy, "but it was something about a bloody job." Cheers, Bill

[Alan Taylor]

fishing phoenix:

Has any one got any good jokes? :

The following statements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

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"The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."

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"The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately."

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"Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."

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"The skin was moist and dry."

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"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

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"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until

1989 when she got a divorce."

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"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."

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"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."

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"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."

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"Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."

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"Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."

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"She is numb from her toes down."

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"Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot."

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"While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead."

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"Coming from Detroit, this man has no children."

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"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

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"Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress."

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Ring a bell Judy

 

Norrie & Davy, now who do we know that would come out with some of the above

 

Newt, thanks mate, it took us a while and a lot of swearing (on my part) but we got there

 

Alan(nl)

[JaMiMa]

Had a few moments to myself by a local lake the other day (Can't think why I was there), and my mind started to wonder......

 

why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

 

why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

 

why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

 

why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

 

why doctors call what they do "practice"?

 

why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

 

why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

 

why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

 

why there isn't mouse-flavoured cat food?

 

who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour?

 

why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

 

why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

 

why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

 

why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

 

why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

 

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

 

why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

[Alan Taylor]

JaMiMa:

Had a few moments to myself by a local lake the other day (Can't think why I was there), and my mind started to wonder......

Nice one and welcome to Anglers Net.

 

Alan(nl)

[nursejudy]

This is a true message we received at work

 

please collect the new cushion(special pressure relieving one)its stopping George breathing properly. :confused:

 

 

another one

 

please visit mrs M her legs have broken out :confused:

[Alan Taylor]

nursejudy:

This is  a true message  

Alan