any good jokes

[Alan Taylor]

fishing phoenix:

Has any one got any good jokes? i got one why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his flat mate.                

GORILLA EXTERMINATOR

=

 

A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He

looks in the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service.

When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service

guy asks, "Is it a male or female?"

"Male," he replies.

"Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there," he states.

An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua,

a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some

instructions. "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla

with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the

trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The

gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you

to put the handcuffs on him."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the

gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua."

 

Alan(nl)

[Alan Taylor]

fishing phoenix:

Has any one got any good jokes? i got one why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his flat mate.                

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a

> divorce.

> =

 

> The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

> =

 

> The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."

> =

 

> The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?"

> =

 

> The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

> =

 

> The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

> =

 

> The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

> =

 

> The attorney said,"No you don't understand I mean do you have a

> grudge?"

> =

 

> The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John

> Deere."

> =

 

> The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

> =

 

> The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on

> Sundays.

> =

 

> The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up

> or anything?"

> =

 

> The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

> =

 

> Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU

> WANT A DIVORCE?"

> =

 

> And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation

> with her."

> =

Alan(nl)

[Alan Taylor]

fishing phoenix:

Has any one got any good jokes? i got one why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his flat mate.                

Results of a contest for "theories" sponsored by Omni magazine.

> =

 

> RUNNERS-UP:

> =

 

> 1. If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of =

 

> pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite

> number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's =

 

> great literary works in Braille.

> =

 

> 2. Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on

> your =

 

> eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other =

 

> people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

> =

 

> 3. Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have

> no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at

> a faster rate.

> =

 

> 4. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just

> as =

 

> a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in

> close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to =

 

> spin dangerously fast.

> =

 

> HONORABLE MENTION:

> =

 

> The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If =

 

> omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian

> "pahks" =

 

> his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" =

 

> his car and invest in "erl wells."

> =

 

> GRAND PRIZE WINNER:

> =

 

> When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is =

 

> dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose

> to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, =

 

> spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a =

 

> high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

 

> Every vision is a joke until someone accomplishes it.

> --Robert Goddard

 

Alan(nl)

[Alan Taylor]

fishing phoenix:

Has any one got any good jokes? i got one why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his flat mate.                

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in

despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You

a=

 

drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we

do

is

drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink

till

we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: That sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars

from

around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's

okay...

you're already dead.

Guy: Superb!!!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse

races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.

Guy: That sound cool, I've never played pai gow before...

Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big

bowl

of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the

drugs

you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead.

Guy: Excellent!! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays.

=

 

Alan(nl

[Alan Taylor]

fishing phoenix:

Has any one got any good jokes? i got one why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his flat mate.                

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married twelve

times.

On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel

and

the bride says to her new groom, "please promise to be gentle; I'm

still=

 

a

virgin." =

 

=

 

This puzzled the groom, since after twelve marriages he thought that at

least

one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new

bride

to explain the phenomena. The bride responds...

=

 

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire

marriage

telling me, in grandiose terms, "It's gonna be great!"

=

 

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure

how

it

was supposed to function, but he said he would send me the

documentation.

=

 

My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that

everything

was diagnostically "ok," but he just couldn't get the system up.

=

 

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, =

 

"those

who can...do; those who can't...teach."

=

 

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he

had

the orders, but wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to

deliver. =

 

=

 

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the

basic

process, but needed three years to research, implement and design a new

state-

of-the-art method. =

 

=

 

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments

were

that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his

job.=

=

 

=

 

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that

he=

 

was

up to the standards, but that regulations said nothing about how to do

it. =

 

=

 

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, "I know I have the

product,

I'm just not sure how to position it."

=

 

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk

about it.

=

 

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was

look

at it.

=

 

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do

was...God I miss him!

=

 

SO, now that I have married a lawyer, I know I'm finally going to get

really

screwed!

 

Sorry Phil, just could'nt resist it

 

Alan(nl)

these should keep you occupied for a while

[Alan Taylor]

Tyke:

I can see why you are asking for some good jokes    

I wonder how many see there self in this one You Know you have a 90's problem when:

> =

 

> 1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your

> e-mail on the way back to bed.

> =

 

> 2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape

> Navigator 3.0 or higher."

> =

 

> 3. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

> =

 

> 4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you

> just pulled the plug on a loved one.

> =

 

> 5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your

lap...and=

 

> your child in the overhead compartment.

> =

 

> 6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just

f=

or

> the free Internet access.

> =

 

> 7. You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.

> =

 

> 8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

> =

 

> 9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. =

 

You

> start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your

> ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the

> modem...and you succeed.

> =

 

> 10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a

word

> processor.com

> =

 

> 11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

> =

 

> 12. You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com.

> =

 

> 13. All of your friends have an @ in their names.

> =

 

> 14. Your cat has its own home page.

> =

 

> 15. You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.

> =

 

> 16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it

> again.

> =

 

> 17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

> =

 

> 18. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are,

because

> they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

> =

 

> 19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you

landscape.

> =

 

> 20. You tell the cab driver you live at

> http://1000.edison.rd/house/brick.html =

 

> =

 

> 21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. =

 

 

Alan(nl)

[monkeyboy]

Elton John and George Michael were walking in the park one day and they came across a young boy with his head stuck in the railings of the park.

They both looked at each other and george got stuck in, scuttling him. When he finished George looked at elton.'Do you want some?'.

Elton replied.'No I dont think I could fit my head in the railings!'

[Alan Taylor]

nursejudy:

urh.....

One day a bachelor who was a poor tipper walked into his favorite =

 

restaurant and ordered lunch.

 

A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip.

 

When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his "generosity" and =

 

she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped.

 

"Well, what could you tell about me?" he asked.

 

"You put three pennies in a neat row," said the waitress, "and that =

 

shows you are a very tidy person. The first penny tells me you are a =

 

frugal, and the second tells me that you are a bachelor."

 

"That's true," he agreed. "But what does the third penny tell you?"

 

"The third penny tells me your Father was a bachelor, too."

 

Alan (good tipper)(nl)

[John Ellison]

How do you keep an idiot in suspense

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

. I'll tell you later.

[Alan Taylor]

fishing phoenix:

Has any one got any good jokes? i got one why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his flat mate.                

Then there's the one about the old priest who got sick of all the

people in

his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he

said,

"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well,

everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who

had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to

satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at

a ripe old age.

=

 

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the

town

and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something

about

the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they

keep

talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing

that

no-one had told the new priest about the code word. But the priest

shook an

accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're

laughing

about. Your wife fell three times this week."

 

Alan (nl)