Jeff S

BEFORE IT STARTS A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts". She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??" The husband sighed. "Oh s**t, it's started.

I hope they find what it is.

keep of the mushrooms. But I've never seen the point in them! Old Peculiar OTOH Great beer!

You didn't sell it to my father did you? He lives in Rock county but they have a cottage up north near the Dells. Hurricanes are a pain.

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: Definitely not! WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married? HUSBAND: Of course I do. WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry? HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again. WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face). HUSBAND: makes audible groan). WIFE: Would you live in our house? HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house. WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed? HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep? WIFE: Would you let her drive my car? HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new. WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers? HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs? HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed. WIFE: - - silence - - HUSBAND: F**k

Reminds me of what I see after staring at a float all day

Funny Newt! One of my cats has a real mean streak. So much so that instead of Ashes I call him Assface. My 10 year old daughter visits us here in the UK during the summer flying in escorted by the airline but basically alone. About a week before she left to go back to the US our 'cat' Ashes jumps into the middle of our game of rummy making a complete mess of our game. My daughter in the heat of the moment says as politely as you please, "Oh Hi Assface". If only you could have seen the look on her face. All we could do was laugh.

True Steve. Locks only keep out the honest people.

Make it less available and they will make time to do it. Maybe everyone should pay a flat rate (well those that have wireless capability) in order to use it instead of pirating someone elses. Problem is not everyone is willing to pay which is why they are being prosecuted in the first place.

More on wireless.

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE; SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE. SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO. PAPPY TOLD HER, "SUSIE GAL, YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER. I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW, BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER." SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL, BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL." "YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL, AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER, BUT THEM AND SEVERAL MO' I KNOW COULD BE A TRUE HALF BROTHER." BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, "MY CHILE, JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY. MARRY WILL OR MARRY BILL. YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY

TMI Billy

Hadn't thought of it that way really Jeeps. In my experience every persons' face is matched to the photo on their passport regardless of which country they are from. Not so in the UK.

Sorry Cran I was being sarcastic. I have seen passport control and I wasn't impressed. I used to get upset about having to wait at the 'all other passport line' while watching everyone with a red passport 'step' through without being scrutinized.

I hope you weren't refering to passport control as being very good...

And nearly 6 years to do it all in. Here Newt you deserve this more than I.

Couldn't resist...

All samples available

Sounds like something straight out of an S&M magazine Name: Thunder Dude Secret Identity: Jeff S Special Power: Lightning Feet Transportation: Quantum Bike Weapon: Flame Whip Costume: Fireproof Robe Sidekick: Bones Nemesis: Ming the Deadly Tragic Flaw: Clumsiness Favorite Food: Sardines

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately sets the spoon into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

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