mike the pike

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?!" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works." "O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" the man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The FISH." "What fish?"

If he's living rough, why do they keep putting televised appeals on?

N4lly, that would be a long 'oliday, even at Her Majesty's Pleasure, But no just moving around, changing jobs etc, settled now hopefully!. Nice to hear from you Newt, thanks, glad to hear that.... as you're admin now (bows gracefully), how come my post count dissapeared?, was the board reset at some time?.

Hi All Wonder if any of you old timers can remember me, I haven't posted on here for many years, (not fished very much either), but finally dusted off the tackle, and worked out how to get back on here. Just come back from a weekend on the Severn, brilliant, happy days. Regards Mike

Hi all, Anyone help? Bought an old rod from the boot sale today. Threpenny bit shape, with the letters DB with a lighthouse logo in between and the name 'Sabrina'. Three peice with brass joints?. Any help with manufacturer and age would be much appreciated. Many Thanks, Mike.

Hi all, Hopefully someone out there can help. I'm looking to book a holiday for me and the family, Ideally it would be a cabin by the side of a lake with fishing (obviously), completely secluded and private, so the kids can run wild without annoying anyone else. It also needs to have other attractions around for the kids. Also it has to be within the uk. Not much to ask eh!! We did find a place that was ideal in Brittany, but by the time we added the ferry, cabin, and travelling costs, it would be too expensive, plus dont fancy 14 hrs in the car with 4 excited kids. Anyone know anywhere suitable?, please?? cheers, Mike.

The Jones's were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot of. . . " gasped Mrs. Jones. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know it," Mrs. Jones said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my God!!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Jones. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Jones leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your ...equipment?" "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long." "Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

Sorry to hear about your loss, bar stewards, I work on the markets around us, the Sunday market I stand on was raided last sunday for counterfeit goods, no less than TEN!! police cars turned up, they arrested two blokes selling copy CD's, police everywhere, meanwhile up the road about a mile there were four more cop cars pulling speeders and cars without road tax. Lack of resources means there are no officers to deal with the incident, boll**ks, and they wonder why no-one has any time for them Rant, Rant, Rant !!

Two brothers, Jimmy 4 and Johnny 5 are sitting talking in the bedroom one morning. "I think its about time we started swearing" says Johnny, "OK" says Jimmy, "what shall we say". "When we go for downstairs breakfast, you say bloody, and I'll say Damn" replies Johnny. "Err, OK", says Jimmy As they sit down for breakfast, Mum says "what would yu like for breakfast Johnny" "I'll have DAMN weetabix" says johnny. His mum, after giving him a slap and sending him back upstairs crying, turns to Jimmy and says "And what would YOU like young man" "Err I dunno" says Jimmy "but it aint going to be bloody weetabix"

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, whilst sailing the seven seas, Captain Bravados lookout spots a pirate ship approaching. Captain Bravado bellows, bring me my red shirt. The first mate quickly gets the captains red shirt and, while wearing the brightly coloured garment, the captain leads his crew into battle and defeats the pirates. That evening, all the men are sitting around on deck, drinking rum. Eventually one of them asks the captain "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not showmy blood" replies the captain. "Thus you men would continue to fight unafraid". All of the men sit in marvel at the courage of such a mans man. Next morning, the lookout spots not one, not two, but ten pirate ships approaching, and the crew stare in worshipful silence at the captain, awaiting his usual orders. Captain Bravado gazes with steely eyes upon the vast approaching armada arrayed against his ship and, without fear turns and calmly commands, "Get me my brown trousers".

Alan, Long time since I've posted here, but had to send my best wishes for you, the best of luck mate, get well very soon, I said a prayer for you today and know God must have heard. I felt the answer in my heart although He spoke not a word. I didn't ask for wealth or fame I knew you wouldn't mind. I asked for priceless treasure rare of a more lasting kind. I prayed that He'd be near you at the start of each new day to grant you health and blessings fair and friends to share your way. So hurry back to share your times, of big fish caught and lost. Make our world a better place with each and every post. take care, Mike

surreptitious

james herbet

Mad Max

A woman with a bad stomach complaint goes to her local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The woman agrees, and so the doctor warns her of the pain, tells her to bend over, and shoves the thing way up her behind. The doctor then hands her the second dose and tells her to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something. So, the woman goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but she finds she cannot reach herself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, she calls her husband over and tells him what to do. The husband nods, puts one hand on her shoulder to steady her and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the woman screams in disgust. "What's the matter?" asked her husband. "Did I hurt you?" "No," replies the woman, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

blank I know I've been away for a while but this is nuts and I'm posting a reply on it?? help!!!

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends. All were singing Happy Birthday...and there on the couch I sat... naked.

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends. All were singing Happy Birthday...and there on the couch I sat... naked.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel! Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!" Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel! Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!" Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Robert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at the Metallica concert last Friday. Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene. According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7 foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in. They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later. They had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7 foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23 foot drop on the other side. Young, who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the 23 foot distance before a large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately, he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to cut his shorts off and fall to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of the knife. The "soft" bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain. Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pull him up and over the fence. This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his state he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was thrown out of the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries. "So that's how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass came to be" said Commissioner Appleton.

Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Robert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at the Metallica concert last Friday. Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene. According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7 foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in. They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later. They had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7 foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23 foot drop on the other side. Young, who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the 23 foot distance before a large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately, he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to cut his shorts off and fall to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of the knife. The "soft" bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain. Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pull him up and over the fence. This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his state he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was thrown out of the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries. "So that's how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass came to be" said Commissioner Appleton.

Alan, I love you, damn thing was bugging me to hell

Alan, I love you, damn thing was bugging me to hell

I've found this on another forum, and I can't work it out, somebody with intelligence have a go and put me out of my misery, PLEASE!! click here [ 21 April 2002, 08:06 PM: Message edited by: mike the pike ]