London Underground

[Poolboy]

A list of actual announcements that LONDON TUBE train DRIVERS have made

to their passengers: (allegedly)

 

 

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I

know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be

married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the

Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

 

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering

from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his

backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given

any."

 

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is

that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great

time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between

Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our

destination."

 

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a

security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for

the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some

time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a

wall...'".

 

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker

Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me,

so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like

that".

 

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these

professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a

 

registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

 

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver

announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna,

ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".

 

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then,

stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care...."

 

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please

hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

 

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that

the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your

 

bags into the doors."

 

"We can't move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand stuck in

the door"

 

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the

second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you

understand?"

 

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause...) Please move

ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message

to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train -

put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from

the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"

 

 

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed

on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint,

it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage"

[Ziffy]

quality

[Chris Plumb]

Not sure if they're all true but (as a daily user) I've certainly heard two or three of them (or close derivatives) - very funny!

 

 

Chris

[nigelnibbles]

I worked on the underground for 16 long years, im sane now after leaving.

whenever I was on duty and we had the usual cockup i always put in big letters "SNAFU" on top of the station notice board before the message.

It was surprising how many people smiled and knew what it meant, funny though, none of the managers ever cottoned on