JOKES! JOKES! JOKES!

[adambroadley]

A man walks into a bar..............ouch!

 

-------------------

 

A blind man walks into a resturant

 

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

 

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

 

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

 

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

 

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

 

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

 

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and chesse with broccoli."

 

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

 

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

 

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

 

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked here!"

Edited May 25, 2006 by adambroadley

[adambroadley]

The Italian Virgin

 

 

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.

 

But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

 

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

 

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

 

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairylegs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

 

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

 

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

 

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

 

 

SAFETY TIPS FOR MEN WHO VISIT XXX WEBSITES

 

1. It is unsafe to lick your monitor while it is ON.

 

2. The orifices in the back of your monitor are NOT intended for participation in the LIVE s*x show.

 

3. The fan in your computer's power supply is NOT a good place to cool your "heat of passion" (although, it would certainly be an enlightening experience)

 

4. Be prepared to replace your keyboard often if you enjoy "tickling the keys" with your manhood.

 

5. Semen IS electrically conductive.

[adambroadley]

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button thats come off of me fly I canny button me pants."

 

"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"

 

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.

 

Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what in hells name happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"

 

"Aye" says Angus.."I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread... Mr. MacDonald walked in...

 

[adambroadley]

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

created a p**sy to their design.

 

 

First was a butcher, with smart wit,

using a knife, he gave it a slit,

 

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,

with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

 

Third was a tailor, tall and thin,

by using red velvet, he lined it within,

 

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,

with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,

 

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,

threw in a fish and gave it a smell,

 

Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,

touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,

 

Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,

who sucked it and f***ed it, and called it a c*nt.

 

----------------------

 

 

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual,

 

"I have a headache."

 

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"

Edited May 25, 2006 by adambroadley

[adambroadley]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

 

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

 

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[adambroadley]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know

anything about s*x. Can you explain it to me first?"

 

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the

prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the

prisoner in the prison.

 

And then they made love for the first time.

 

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

 

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

 

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

 

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but

the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him

a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

 

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently

born foal.

 

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

 

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

 

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,

OKAY!

[adambroadley]

Teacher: What's your name, boy?!

 

Pupil: Richard Mickey O'Toole, sir.

 

Teacher: I'll call you Richard O'Toole for short.

 

Pupil: I'd rather you not take the Mickey out of my name.

[hembo]

A little boy went up to his dad and said "Dad, I don't understand the difference between potential and reality".

 

The Dad said, "Okay son, I will show you the difference. Firstly go up to your mother and ask her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for £1 million, then go up to your sister and ask her if she would sleep with Brad Bitt for £1 million."

 

The little boy slightly confused said "Okay" and went to see his mother. He asked his mother, "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for £1 million", his mother replied "don't tell your Dad, but yes I would."The little boy said, "Okay then" and went to find his sister.

 

He said to his sister "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for £1 million" His sister replied, "Yes I would!!!!"

 

The little boy went back to his Dad and said "Dad, I now understand what the diference is between potential and reality". His Dad replied, "I am glad son, explain it to me."

 

The little boy replied "Well, potentially we are sitting on £2 million but in reality we live with two slags!!!!"

[hembo]

TARZAN JOKES

 

 

 

Tarzan gets in a terrible fight with a ferocious lion, and loses an eye, an arm, and his weenie. The animals of the jungle nurse Tarzan back to health. They give him the eye of a hawk, the arm of a gorilla, and for a pecker, they give him a baby elephant's trunk.

 

After about a week, Cheetah comes up to Tarzan and says, "Tarzan, how you like-a your new parts?"

 

Tarzan says, "Eye good...Tarzan see far, clear...Arm good...long, strong...but Tarzan not crazy about new weenie... all day long, pickup weeds and stuff up Tarzan's ass."

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

 

Jane, a reporter, went to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

 

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"

 

Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."

[cidermonkey]

You should be on the stage Adam mate! You crack me up

Edited May 26, 2006 by cidermonkey