JOKES! JOKES! JOKES!

[severus]

TARZAN JOKES

 

 

 

Tarzan gets in a terrible fight with a ferocious lion, and loses an eye, an arm, and his weenie. The animals of the jungle nurse Tarzan back to health. They give him the eye of a hawk, the arm of a gorilla, and for a pecker, they give him a baby elephant's trunk.

 

After about a week, Cheetah comes up to Tarzan and says, "Tarzan, how you like-a your new parts?"

 

Tarzan says, "Eye good...Tarzan see far, clear...Arm good...long, strong...but Tarzan not crazy about new weenie... all day long, pickup weeds and stuff up Tarzan's ass."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

 

Jane, a reporter, went to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

 

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"

 

Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."

 

 

Good ones, Hembo.

[severus]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year- old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

 

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surly be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many, many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

 

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,"and he'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Edited May 27, 2006 by severus

[Tog]

For those that missed it the first time 'The Aussie Wetroom joke'....

 

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower in her fine new 'wet room' and slipped over on the floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped sideways, did the splits and ended up "Suctioned" to the expensively tiled floor.

 

She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in.

 

"Bruce, I've only gone an' bloody suctioned m'self to the floor" she said.

 

"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck like bloody superglue, woman. I'll go across the road and get Cobba” (his mate) “He’ll know what to do, his bright idea’s are legendary"

 

They came back and they took an arm each and both tried to pull her up.

 

"No way mate, We just can't do it, We’ll have t’a go with Plan B," Cobba said.

 

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What's that"?

 

"You go get my hammer and chisel ‘outta my ‘ute and we can use it to break the tiles under her, that'l let some air into her and release the vacuum roight." replied Cobba

 

"Spot on, I knew you'd know what to do, you're a legend Cobba," Bruce said

 

"And while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." Says Cobba

 

"Play with her tits"? Bruce said, "Not exactly a good time for that is it mate?"

 

"Naa" Cobba replied, "But I reckon, if I can get her wet and slippy enough, we should be able to slide her into the kitchen where your tiles a’int so f'kin expensive mate".

[hembo]

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE MISSING LEMON

 

One day Sherlock Holmes and Watson sat down to enjoy

their favourite lunch of fish and chips.

 

Just as they were about to tuck in, Holmes suddenly stood

up and shouted. "Watson stand up!"

 

Confused, Watson stood up.

 

"Watson! Drop your trousers!" he barked.

 

Worried, Watson loosened his belt and dropped his

trousers.

 

"Watson! Bend over!" Holmes ordered. Watson bent over.

 

Holmes then plucked the wedge of lemon from Watson's

plate and shoved it straight up Watson's arse.

 

Watson screamed "In God's name Holmes what on earth

are you doing?"

 

To which Holmes calmly replied "A lemon-entry

my dear Watson ... a lemon-entry ..."

 

SPAGHETTI

 

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward,

she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know,

he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go

to Italy and have the baby there.

 

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

 

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti'

on the back. I'll take care of expenses."

 

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money

and flew to Italy.

 

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called

him at the office and said "Dear, you received a very strange

postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand

what it means."

 

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will

explain it to you."

 

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard,

fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him

to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.

He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

 

So the wife picked up the card and read,

"Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti;

two with meatballs, two without."

[hembo]

Moshe Kohn opens a Kosher restaurant in London and puts a notice in the window "ARABS NOT WELCOME"; a couple of days later, a person of obviously Arab origin walks in and requests a sandwich - so the cashier quickly runs into Moshe's office asking what to do. Moshe decides that he really doesn't want a scandal, so he orders "OK, give him the sandwich, but charge him double - that should teach him." No sooner said than done.

 

But the next day the same Arab is back again - this time for a full lunch; Moshe decides "Charge him triple, he'll get the lesson this time!" The Arab eats his lunch, pays without a quibble, praises the food and even asks for a reservation for 10 of his friends for the same evening. Moshe decides "OK, let him have the reservation, but if his friend do come, charge them tenfold!" The Arabs appear in the evening, have a large dinner, pay without complaining and even tip generously. So the next day Moshe puts a new sign in the window: "JEWS NOT WELCOME."

[adambroadley]

Which one do you think is best? 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5? you decide and post your answer...

 

 

YO MAMA JOKES!

==========

 

1. Yo mama is so ugly she walked into a huanted house and came out with an application.

 

----------------

 

2. Yo mamma's so fat, when she went to the beach, the whales sang "We are family!"

 

----------------

 

3. Do you know what the difference between yo momma and the titanic?

 

The titanic sunk, yo momma floats.

 

---------------

 

4. Yo mamma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits!

 

----------------

 

5. Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas!

[hembo]

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. one is crying. the other asks what's wrong. the crying drunk says, "I've puked all over myself again and my wife's gonna kill me. what do I do pal?"

 

The one drunk offers this advice: "Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you, put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten bucks to have your clothes cleaned."

 

"Sound like a great idea," says the crying drunk.

 

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.

 

The drunk starts spinning the lie and says, "Llook for yourself, there's ten bucks in my pocket."

 

His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten bucks for puking on you," says the wife.

 

"He did," says the drunk, "but he **** in my pants too!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[adambroadley]

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a willy have in common?

A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

 

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

 

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : punchbags, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?

A. Blowjob: You can beat your punchbag, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

 

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it. Why?

A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

 

Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?

A. It doesn't need cleaning.

 

Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?

A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

 

:D

Edited May 30, 2006 by adambroadley

[hembo]

DEAD CERTAIN

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. Make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

[Ken Davison South Wales]

The Bacon Tree

>

 

>Two mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to

 

>death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the

 

inevitable,

 

>when all of a sudden...

 

>

 

>"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.Ees bacon< I is sure of eet"

 

>

 

>"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

 

>

 

>So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune,and

 

there,

 

>in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

 

>

 

>There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back

 

bacon,

 

>double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

 

>

 

>"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".

 

>

 

>"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert dont

 

forget"

 

>

 

>"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like

 

bacon...ees no

 

>meerage, ees a bacon tree".

 

>

 

>And with that ...Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5

 

meters

 

>,Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun

 

opens

 

>up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally

 

wounded

 

>but. true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying

 

breath.

 

>

 

>"Pepe...go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree"

 

>

 

>"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?

 

>

 

>"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...

 

>

 

>Ees

 

>Ees

 

>Ees

 

>Ees

 

>.

 

>.

 

>.

 

>.

 

>

 

>Eees a Ham Bush.