Top Tips

[Gillies]

Probably posted before, some are funny ....

 

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

 

CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p**s before the film starts.

 

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

 

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

 

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

 

SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.

 

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

 

BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

 

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

 

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

 

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

 

BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

 

ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

 

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

 

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

 

CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

 

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

 

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

 

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

 

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Primark with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

 

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

 

ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

 

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

 

Gillies

[Newt]

Priceless. Dunno exactly why but this one was my favorite.

 

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

 

edit note - all right, so I lied. I really liked this one best

 

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

 

[ 25. September 2005, 10:40 PM: Message edited by: Newt ]

[Snatcher]

Gillies some excellent ones there.Most have a ring of truth to them as well

[Guest sandpipper]

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

I worked for them for a couple of months mate you dont know how true this is, i cant say too much because id get into deep trouble, but when you watch five guys throwing parcels into the back of a van from 50 feet away even thou its clear that a DVD player in it was beyond me.

[Ken L]

That's why I'd rather pay a couple of quid over the ods to get stuff like hard disc drives from PC World than buy 'en cheap off the net and have them kicked to bits befor they reach me.