How to give your cat a pill.

[Guest Ferret1959]

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a

baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth

and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As

cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and

swallow.

 

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left

arm and repeat process.

 

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

 

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws

tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth

with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

 

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call

spouse from garden.

 

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and

rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head

firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill

down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make

note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered

figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

 

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just

visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth

open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

 

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to

take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood

from carpet with cold water and soap.

 

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another

beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head

showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat

with elastic band.

 

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on

hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold

compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.

Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.

Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 

12. Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from across the road.

Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid

cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

 

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine

and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves

from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be

rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down

throat to wash pill down.

 

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the

emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm

and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way

home to order new table.

 

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet

shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

 

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

 

1. Wrap it in cheese.

[awaaar]

 

nice one Dave

[hembo]

very true

[Apache]

very very true indeed.

[kendo]

very very true it has to be the hardest thing I ever had to attempt but with three cats, we now have an open plan house where as before! :mad:

[*Dave*]

nice one Dave, Can i copy for my sister

she has two cats.' every bit of help'

[Guest Ferret1959]

Help yerself I nicked it in the first place.

 

 

Oh here's a way that will work.

Stick your cat in the sleeve of an old jumper.

Leave it's head sticking out of the cuff and apply pill with a peashooter while holding jaws firmly apart.

 

When I was a lad many years ago we had farm cats on the farm. The males were 'sorted' without and fancy anaesthetics or stuff like that.

They were thrust head first into a wellington boot and job was sorted in less than 10 seconds.

The cats went missing for a couple of days but came back quite happy.

They made great cats and were much friendlier than the ones that got away.

[Waterman]

Ferret1959:

Stick your cat in the sleeve of an old jumper.

Surely you need instructions on how to achieve this!

[Guest Ferret1959]

Bring me your cat and a suitable jumper and I'll show ya.

[Blackpool]

Ive spent all morning attempting this exersise..I got to No 13 all was going well then the bloke next door whanted his cat back..

 

[ 26. April 2004, 03:21 PM: Message edited by: Blackpool ]