Are you an American?

[Ian FG]

Text removed by Gobio

 

text replaced by Newt. LOL, funny stuff. Newt

 

Are you American?

 

Here is a test to see if you’re eligible to vote in the next American election.

 

1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news you are leaving?

(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away.

( Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision.

© Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering, pumped-up, in-breds on national television.

 

2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?

(a) A ball.

( A ball and two coats for goal posts.

© A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching souzaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.

 

3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?

(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive.

( Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died a quick and painless death.

© Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.

 

4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?

(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses.

( Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.

© Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted, TV evangelist, faith healer in an ill-fitting wig who will lay his hands on your head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering morons.

 

5. What do you have for breakfast?

(a) A bowl of cornflakes, a slice of toast and a cup of tea.

( Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee.

© A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.

 

6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?

(a) A quiet ceremony with a few friends in a registry office.

( A church service followed by a traditional reception at a nice hotel.

© A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel-of-love in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.

 

7. Your 14-year old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?

(a) Don’t worry. It’s just a phase and will pass.

( Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.

© Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.

 

8. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife’s dressing table. What do you do?

(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt.

( Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn’t happen again.

© Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue your wife’s a$$.

 

Answers……….

 

If you answered mostly (a)’s & (’s then you are a normal, well-balanced individual. If you answered mostly ©’s then sorry, you are an American.

 

[ 12. May 2005, 07:29 AM: Message edited by: Newt ]

[chevin]

Hmmm, I would think that there are a few here who would not find that even a little bit funny. Certainly I see it as a bit of an insult to the many friends I have in the USA.

 

Personally I wouldn't consider Newt to be over sensitive if he chose to delete the post!

[Ian FG]

chevin,

 

I apologise.

 

It was only meant as a joke and I don't wish to cause offence to anyone and as it offends you I have removed it.

[chevin]

OK mate, thanks. I did understand your intention but I did feel that it was rather contentious. Good luck. chevin

[Elton]

I didn't see the post, but if it was just about the American's sometimes OTT way of doing things, somebody should post that new Budweiser advert.

 

It's fantastic - Budweiser now sponsor the Premiership Football league and, basically, the Yanks take the mick out of themselves in the ad by saying that they originally thought of having monster trucks on at half time, renaming teams such as Middlesbrough Red Sox and having multi-ball added time if the score was 0-0.

 

Great advert

[Newt]

Gobio - email it to me. Love to see what was here. I promise not to get insulted and I may even post it myself - but I will give you full credit.

[Ian FG]

Newt, you have mail.

[Newt]

Thanks. I'll have to wait though since it went to my home and I'll be at work for a good few hours. Looking forward to reading it though.

[Newt]

Love it. I did remove one item that could have been offensive. It was pretty accurate 40 years ago but not now. Overall, good stuff.

 

I will have to look around for a counterpoint piece though. You folks are as overcivilized as we are undercivilized and somebody had to have written a good spoof.

[Peter Waller]

Many a true word spoke in jest!

 

Newt, a spoof on the UK shouldn't be hard to find! Or just hang in there a few years and re-use Gobio's. What is true in the US normally ends up in the UK a few years down the line.

 

We already have a sanitised Jerry Springer.

We already sue at the drop of a hat.

Marriage has become a joke.

Football is now blatant show biz.

Our women are getting bigger, which is good!

Our diet is up the pan.

Stretch limos are becoming the norm.