Just a few quick ones

[bushwacker]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says "Dam".

 

Two peanuts walk into a pub.

One was asalted.

 

A jump lead walks into a pub.

The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".

 

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman say's "We don't serve food in here".

 

A dyslexic man walks into a bra. (think about it)

 

A man walks into a bar, with a piece of tarmac under his arm.

"A beer please, and one for the road".

 

Two aerials meet on a roof and wed.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.

 

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One say's to the other, "Doe's this taste funny to you?".

 

"Doctor, I can't stop singing green green grass of home".

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome".

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusuall".

 

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy say's to Dolly.

"I was artificially inseminated this morning"

"I don't believe you", said Dolly.

"It's true,no bull".

 

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One say's "I've lost my electron!".

"Are you sure?"

"Yes I'm possitive".

 

A man takes his rottweiler to the vet and say's.

"My dogs cross eyed, is there anything you can do?".

"Well lets have a look at him".

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes and then his teeth.

Finally he say's "I'm going to have to put him down".

"What?, because he's cross eyed?".

"No because he's really heavy".

 

I went to buy some camo trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

 

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

he was pulled in by a strong currant.

 

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with nuts, chocolate sauce and hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

 

Two fish are in a tank,

One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive".

[SharSam]

Oh Dear, should I admit to laughing at those???!!

[madmax]

Tom Jones syndrome,got me.

[tonyx5610]

excellent ok heres 1 for the over 18s

a boyfriend and girlfriend are in a car crash ,she needs 2 pints of blood to save her life hee being the adoring boyfrien donates it, a couple of years latter they break up, they are dividing thier possesions when he says and i want my blood back you bitch, so she puts a hand down her skirt pulls out a used tampon which she throws at him and says i,ll pay u back montly u bathplug.

 

 

also on a lighter note i bought my wife a wooden leg for christmas, it wasnt a main present though it was juast a " stocking filler"

[Newt]

I got a gun for my wife.

 

Best trade I've ever made.

[John S]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub. The barman looks at them and says "Is this some kind of joke?"

[John Ellison]

Went to Haworth last Monday. The place was full of Japs and Morris dancers.

A mate wanted to be a Morris dancer but they told him he'd have to be very fit to even consider it, he'd have to be subjected to a full medical. He booked in for a medical and the doctor told him he'd no chance as he was circumcised. What the hell has that got to do with it! he said. The doctor told him he'd have to be a complete p**ck to want to be a Morris dancer.