Colemanballs

[Chris Plumb]

For many years Private Eye have run a short column high-lighting 'bloopers' that have been made during Sports Commentaries. Named after the master of the genre - David Coleman here are some 'classics':

 

"Sure, there have been deaths in boxing but none of them

serious."(Alan Minter)

 

"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this

morning and it was amazing!" (Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator)

 

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of

him."(New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)

 

"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (TedWalsh

horse racing commentator)

 

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

(Winston Bennett)

 

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it

which is identical." (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)

 

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother."

(Greg Norman)

 

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same

thing again." (Terry Venables)

 

"I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the

Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson)

 

"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is

kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter at the

Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)

 

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on

the field " (Metro Radio)

 

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the

air for even longer." (David Acfield)

 

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in

football? (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)

 

"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his

legs and showing his class." (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)

 

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is

that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses

them.....Oh my God! What have I just said?!!!" (US PGA Commentator)

 

"For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is

behind the brown"(Snooker commentator)

 

True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was

supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too as

they were laughing so hard!

 

 

 

 

Chris

 

[ 21. January 2003, 08:57 AM: Message edited by: Chris Plumb ]

[Newt]

 

More quotes from the "salary is inversely proportional to IQ" crowd:

 

"It's about 90% strength and 40% technique."

Johnny Walker, world middleweight wrist-wrestling champion

 

"If I wasn't talking, I wouldn't know what to say."

Chico Resch, New York Islanders goal tender

 

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."

Yogi Berra

 

"He fakes a bluff."

Ron Fairly, Giants broadcast announcer

 

"I don't know. I'm not in shape yet."

Yogi Berra, when asked his cap size

 

"It could permanently hurt a batter for a long time."

Pete Rose, Cincinnati Red

 

"Fans, don't fail to miss tomorrow's game."

Dizzy Dean, baseball great turned sports announcer

 

"Me and George and Billy are two of a kind."

Mickey Rivers, Texas Rangers outfielder

 

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres."

Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer, about a fly ball

 

"His reputation preceded him before he got here."

Don Mattingly, New York Yankee

 

"Even Napoleon had his Watergate."

Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager

 

"We are experiencing audio technicalities."

Ralph Kiner, announcer for the New York Mets

 

"I don't want to tell you any half-truths unless they're completely accurate."

Dennis Rappaport, boxing manager

 

"Arnie [Palmer], usually a great putter, seems to be having trouble with his long putt. However he has no trouble dropping his shorts."

Golf broadcaster on the air during a tournament

 

"A lot of people my age are dead at the present time."

Casey Stengel, baseball great

 

"And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is that Chicago at Kansas City? Well, no matter, Kansas City leads in the eighth, 4 to 4."

Jerry Coleman, Padres announcer

 

"Today is Father's Day, so everyone out there: Happy birthday!"

Ralph Kiner, announcer for the New York Mets

 

"The similarities between me and my father are different."

Dale Berra, Yogi Berra's son

[Sultan]

There is always the famous one from Cricket.

 

"The bowlers Holding the batsmans Willey.

 

(West Indies v England)

[Guest sslatter]

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it..."

Yogi Berra.

 

Before a World Cup game involving Bulgaria (1986/1990?) John Motson read out the Bulgarian team: (the ending OV in Bulgaria is pronounced OFF)

 

Motson:"...and they're followed by Getoff, Popoff, Bugoff, and Bogoff..."

<snickers from Motson's commentary companion...and then onto the TV screen comes the name of the Referee>:

"Juan Ponce-Arce"

Motson, (to accompanying giggles of hysteria from his companion): "I'm not even going to TRY that one..."

[Nugg]

Someone said to me yesterday:-

"Look the sun decides to come out now its getting dark"

[nursejudy]

nursejudy

[invicta]

No credit or responsibility taken for what follows, which strictly does not belong under Colemanballs

 

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

>

> Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

>

> Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

>

> A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

>

> Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

>

> Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

>

> Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

>

> When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

>

> A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

>

> What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead

> giveaway!)

>

> Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

>

> A backward poet writes inverse.

>

> In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count

> votes.

>

> A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

>

> If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

>

> With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

>

> Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show

> you a flat minor.

>

> When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

>

> The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully

> recovered.

>

> A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in

> Linoleum Blownapart.

>

> You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

>

> Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

>

> He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

>

> Every calendar's days are numbered.

>

> A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

>

> A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

>

> He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

>

> A plateau is a high form of flattery.

>

> The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a

> small medium at large.

>

> Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

>

> Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

>

> When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she

> thought she'd dye.

>

> Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

>

> Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

>

> Acupuncture is a jab well done.

>

> Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

>

> The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a

> spectacle of himself.

>

[Newt]

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

I nearly choked laughing at that one.