North American Regional Darwin Awards

[Newt]

The following are the 2002 Darwin award nominations for US/Canada.

 

**********************************************

 

It's hard to believe, but another year has passed and it's time to introduce the nominees for the annual Darwin Awards. For those who aren't familiar with them, the Darwin Awards are awarded every year to the person(s) who died in the most stupid way, thereby removing him or herself from the gene pool.

 

The 2002 Nominees Are:

 

NOMINEE No. 1 [san Jose Mercury News (CA)] : An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

 

NOMINEE No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette (MI)] : James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Michigan, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck". Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft!"

 

NOMINEE No. 3 [Hickory Daily Record (NC)] : Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear (or so his wife said).

 

NOMINEE No. 4 [uPI, Toronto] : Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.

 

A police spokesman said Gary Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength, according to police reports.

 

Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the "best and brightest"

members of the 200-man association.

 

NOMINEE No. 5 [bloomberg News Service(IL)] : A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who apparently was killed by his own gas.

 

There was no mark on his body, but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a few other things). Apparently it was just the right combination of foods, for it appears the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been open, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near-airtight bedroom.

 

According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating this deadly gas." Three would-be rescuers became ill when exposed to the gas and one was hospitalized.

 

NOMINEE No. 6 ["News of the Weird"] : Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet i his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

 

NOMINEE NO. 7 ["The Indianapolis Star"] : A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said.

 

Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loading rifle that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder inside ignited.

 

NOMINEE No. 8 [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] : A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death.

 

Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

 

Finally, NOMINEES No. 9 and No. 10 (These two guys don't count because they aren't dead.... yet, but this is a goodie, nonetheless) [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] : Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning.

 

Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident happened shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center.

 

The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out.

 

As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis found that a .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. After inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded toward the White River Bridge.

 

After traveling about 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

 

"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis.

 

"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

 

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many pairs of frog legs the boys had gathered and did anyone get them from the truck? (Way to go, Lavinia.)

 

You will be advised of the winning nominee(s) once the judges finish laughing.

[Chris Plumb]

Great stuff Newt - one of the first truely great sites on the Internet & still going strong - definitely one of my Favs.....

 

 

Chris

[Newt]

Chris - hoping someone will post the specifics of the UK entries for the year. Anxious to get an idea if we have a chance at the world title this time.

[John S]

Unfortunately, most of these stories turn out to be apocryphal at least Numbers 4, 5, and 9/10 have been making the rounds for years....

 

There was one case recently (reported by the BBC no less) where a bloke answered an advert asking for someone to be killed and eaten. He did, and was! Before being killed however, he helped to cut off a certain pair of items and ate one of them with his new-found friend/devourer

 

A certifiable candidate if ever there was one

[Newt]

Oh, but 9/10 is such a wonderful tale. Probably (almost certainly) bogus but written by someone from the area described. The only slight goof was the town of Cotton Patch. They must have been speaking of Cotton Plant which is near Des Arc.

 

And I grew up very near there. If it didn't happen, it surely could have. My guess is that some pea-brain did use a live .22 cal shell for the purpose, it did explode, and the remainder of the story followed from that.

 

The newspaper name is correct. The county name is correct. I have read that no one has ever been able to locate either idiot and that no deputy by the name shows ever worked for the county though.

[Chris Plumb]

2002 Darwins can be viewed here...

 

2002 Darwin Nominations

 

No. 4 I've certainly seen before and I think was an early winner of a DA. And whilst it has been doing the rounds on the Internet for some years it is one of those VERY rare tales that does appear to be true! Check out this page of the great Urban Legends debunking site Snopes.....

 

 

No. 5 was the winner in 1993...

 

 

Chris

 

[ 22. January 2003, 08:43 AM: Message edited by: Chris Plumb ]