Colin Brett

Just what the Doctor ordered then?? Colin

Subject: Fw: FW: Stella awards - The Nominations The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. The following are this year's candidates: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms.Robertson's son. A 19 -year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, PA, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx(tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. > > This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motorhome. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles. Colin

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You f***ing b*stard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a f***ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!" ******************************************************************* A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home Colin

Subject: FW: The golfers tale A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Screaming in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said , " How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doctor told him, " I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all together, an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, " You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." Next, she takes off her panties and reveals the golden fruit. She says, "You're the first, no one has ever touched me here." Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies--- " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE! " --------------------------------------------- Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and nsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs." "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages. --------------------------------------------- Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No, it ain't Paddy". The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two a*seholes." "What, he had two a*seholes???" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two ********s. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two a*seholes...." **************************************************************** Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four". "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." "You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law." The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno." Colin

Not talking about Mr Blaaaaaaaaaaair are you? Colin

Well, I guess you will be trotting off down the recruitment centre then?I guess also that you, Mr Blair and GWB will be in the front line? I don't want to see war, but agree something needs to be done. But killing loads of innocent people doesn't strike me as the way to do it. I don't know what the answer is, but I hope it doesn't cost thousands of lives, be they Iraqi, Yanks or Brits. Colin

Some friends of mine bought a house on the west coast of Ireland, with a fantastic view out to Clare Island and the Atlantic. They signed the deal and exchanged contracts, loaded the furniture and started to move in, only to find that the ESB had erected a pole right in front of their view, in the neighbouring field, hard up against thei :mad: r fence. They complained long and hard, but to no avail. However they couldn't get their rates or council tax reduced, as they don't have to pay any over there. Colin

Hi all, As it's only eight metres out, couldn't you just use wire straight through? Or am I being silly? [i've a feeling I might regret this!] Colin

Yes! Many years ago on the Gt. Ouse, fishing cheese paste under some overhanging trees, had a humdinger of a bite and the rod went round as I pulled into it, then it came clear of the water and through the overhanging branches and broke me. Good fish as well. Colin

Good idea! I had nothing but trouble with IE6. I've gone back to IE5 as long as you download the patches it works fine. Colin

Bill, Proves a point that not all asylum seekers are bad news. I work with quite a few different nationalities and most of them are fine. However one or two are not, much the same for the Brits working with me. However I feel that the situation is out of control and in these dangerous times believe controls should be much stricter. In my part of the world, not far from Tony Martin's area, 90% of the crime is carried out by 10% of the population. Of this 10% I would guess that 75% is drug related and within these figures the travelling community have a great involvement. Usually ram raids and PO crime. Then they head off back to their own areas. One group have in the past installed their own sleeping policemen on the road to their encampment. The idea being the car they are driving is stolen so it doesn't matter if the car is wrecked, but the police slow down and are unable to trace them at the camp. Another little trick was when they were barred from the local Co-op so they bought a padlock and chain and locked everyone in and then threw away the key. What would happen I you or I did the same. Colin

Crikey, this has stirred a bit of passion. I still believe Tony Martin to be an honest man. OK perhaps the outcome of the shooting went to far, but Mr Martin did say he would shoot anyone who entered his property, and I also believe the only reason he is in prison now is because he wouldn't lie about what happened on that night. If he had lied ie. said he had just fired to frighten the burglars, he would have got away with it. But it's not just about Tony Martin, it's the whole thing of political correctness and the way crime etc. are handled by the powers that be. Why do we have to listen to others criticising the UK, we obviously have an immigration problem, other countries have tackled this problem why can't we? If someone has a legitimate claim for asylum, fine, but surely not the numbers we are taking. How much longer can we afford to keep doing it? How long before we run out of space for them? Crime figures are up, so what do we do, we basically ignore burglary as a none crime, so we might as well leave our doors and windows open. Or just hand out our possessions to anyone who wants them. All these extra gun laws won't protect me or my family, why? because it's criminals who have the guns, not ordinary people. So a simple yes or no will do. Colin

Has being PC now gone to far? Our government allows immigrants in, why? because of pressure from various groups. Where are these people when one of our policemen get killed? :mad: Judges let burglars go free, why? because of a lack of space in prisons. Why won't they build more prisons? because it isn't PC. Tony Martin is denied parole, why? because he won't show remorse. Why won't he show remorse? Probably because he is an honest man who won't lie. Meanwhile liars, cheats, thugs etc do whatever they can to get out and do it all over again. Let him out and give his gun back!! Colin

Yes, but it's only the good guys who conform. The Loonies out there will not give them up! Colin

Thanks Newt.I thought that was what I had done, but!!!!!!!!!! Colin.

Done both of those, quite revealing!! The cybertweak pushed my connection from 600k/bs to 608k/bs, not much, but as they say "every little helps" Colin

I have just finished a clean install of Win98 SE and saved all my files etc. However I have failed miserably with the contents of the Local folders of Outlook Express. Can anyone tell me how I should do this in future? Many thanks, Colin :confused:

Peter, I did initially have a similar problem, but I unistalled Nero and reinstalled and now have no problem. In fact I wouldn't use anything else now. Colin

Didn't he also say "don't put burglars in prison" Colin

Graham, Can you mail me please, I have a small favour to ask you??!!! Colin :confused:

Of course you could always fish "the Bung" or strike indicator. Very effective with buzzers on still waters like Grafham & Rutland. Colin

Could be any number of things! Have you had the distributor cap off and checked it for condensation. Low Tension lead [centre lead to Dit. Cap] could have failed. Make sure it is pused right home. Rotor arm could be capputtski. Coil thingy could be up the shoot. Is it turning over quickly? It might be a bad earth, but usually things tend not to turn over or if they do it's slowly, if its that. It's worth cleaning all the earths anyway. You need to meet a friendly mechanic, who works after hours!!?? See if it will start with a tow. Good luck, Colin

Whoops, didn't see the one from will this name be ok Colin

Stop wearing your wadres!!!!!!!!!! Colin

Davy, I am about to send you private mail. Phone me Colin