Job application for B&Q

[poledark]

Subject: True story B&Q

 

B & Q JOB APPLICATION

 

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.

 

They hired him because he was so funny.....

 

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

 

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

 

DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place – would I?

 

DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

 

EDUCATION: Yes.

 

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

 

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

 

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

 

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

 

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

 

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

 

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

 

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

 

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

 

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

 

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

 

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

 

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

 

NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles

 

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

 

***Old People Rock!***

 

 

 

Den (could be me in a few years )

[n4lly]

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard) (Chesters1)

 

[Steve Burke]

 

The best in ages! Thanks for sharing it.

[chesters1]

i'l be jiggered is my application on the web already

i like older workers some (but not all) actually know how the tools work and what plugs into them

my biggest hate in large retailers is selling things without the bits that need replacing as another purchase.

hopefully all changed since i last looked.

Sainsbury sold laminators ,did they sell the pouches ...no ,tesco do

B & Q sold a combined grinder and linisher ,did they sell the belts ....no

P C World sell Zap-its (a little chip resseter for some ink carts to fool the printer into thinking its a new cart) do they sell the light magenta and Cyan needed for these carts .....NO

worst of all was Tandy ,no-one knew what plugged into anything or told you lies so you got home to find it didnt

Edited December 3, 2006 by chesters1

[YorkieT]

 

Brilliant

 

Alan.

[Matt Baldwin]

quality

[Peggy Burke]

Sainsbury sold laminators ,did they sell the pouches ...no ,tesco do

 

All I can say is lucky you. Not one of the two Tesco's in Ashford nor the one in Folkestone had pouches although they sold laminators. May be I hit them on an off week. Ended up getting them quite reasonably in Argos.

Edited December 4, 2006 by Peggy Burke

[chesters1]

they are (or were ,we havent visited that far out for a few months) £3.60 for 10 in tesco aldershot ,i noticed to my annoyance tesco folkestone no longer sell those uniform of the poor "jogging" bottoms for £3,we used to pick up some every trip camping along with the £2 teashirts

they didnt stock either in aldershot