Burns Night

[hembo]

THE DAMNED EGG

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran towards the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said,

"Ye can keep the damn egg!!"

[salmo6934]

Burns Night Speech.

 

Oh what a sleekit, horrible beastie

Lurks in your stomach after a feastie

Just as ye sit doon among yer kin

Ther sterts tae stir an enourmous wind

 

The neeps an' tatties an' mushie peaas

Stert working like a gentle breeze

But soon the puddin' wi' the sonsie face

Will huv ye blawin a' ower the place

 

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae

A'body's gonnae tae pay

Even if ye try tae stifle

It's like a bullet oot a rifle

 

Haud yer bum tight tae the chair

Tae try an' stop the leaking air

Shift yersel frae cheek to cheek

An prae tae god it disnae reek

 

But a' yer efforts go asunder

Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder

It richochets aroon' the room

Michty me ! A sonic boom

 

A'body roon aboot me's chokin

Wan or two are nearly bokin

Ah'll feel much better for a while

Ah cannae help but raise a smile

 

"Wis him!" ah shout, wi accusin glower

Alas,to late. He's just keeled ower

"Ya dirty bugger!" they shout and stare

Ah dinnae feel welcome ony mair

 

Where e'er ye be' let yer wind gang free

(sounds just the job for thee an' me

Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party

Ower the sake o' one wee farty!!.

[stan4massey]

Never fails, as soon as some enterprising person discovers a cost effective way of producing farmed produce that could help in sustaining what is quickly becoming a depleted wild stock, someone complains about the "damage to the environment caused by the farms".

 

What about the (albeit not many) jobs these farms create in rural areas. The advent of the few (I believe 9 ) of these farms in the remote areas of Sutherland can cause little damage to an area that offers little else but scenery (certainly magnificent) but much of it incapable of being appreciated due to the lack of passable roads. At least the few farms have allowed access to certain new areas for tourism by virtue of the additional roads required to locate them close to the sconsie marshes.

 

The Shanter report clearly outlined the decline in wild stocks, mainly due to illegal trapping and the lack of policing of the wild sconsie marshes. The introduction of such a small number of farms must be given a chance or the wild stocks will decline in much the same way as the leeries did in the late 50s and early 60`s or the now long gone Keltie of the Soule Skerrie.

 

:angry:

[Sportsman]

I don't know where you get the idea that the wild stock is depleted.

On my rambles I am almost tripping over them. There are probably more wild haggis now than at any time in the not too distant past.

This may be due to the current fashion for catch and release of the new generation of Haggis Hunters. Most of the illegal trapping you refer to is carried out by "visitors" from the east, some from as far afield as Aberdeen, or so I've heard. Shouldn't blame them though, it's been a tradition there for many generations, it's just a matter of education

If people didn't insist on taking "one for the pot" and just kept it to once a year there would be no need for farms blighting the glorious Scottish countryside (Thinks ! mebbes we could get them farmed in Turkey, and let them put up with the pollution )

[stan4massey]

I don't know where you get the idea that the wild stock is depleted.

On my rambles I am almost tripping over them. There are probably more wild haggis now than at any time in the not too distant past.

This may be due to the current fashion for catch and release of the new generation of Haggis Hunters. Most of the illegal trapping you refer to is carried out by "visitors" from the east, some from as far afield as Aberdeen, or so I've heard. Shouldn't blame them though, it's been a tradition there for many generations, it's just a matter of education

If people didn't insist on taking "one for the pot" and just kept it to once a year there would be no need for farms blighting the glorious Scottish countryside (Thinks ! mebbes we could get them farmed in Turkey, and let them put up with the pollution )

 

 

I did mention in the thread that the info on depleted wild stocks was straight from the Shanter report. Thomas Shanter the author has made a long and in depth study of the matter. You may well remember that he also carried out the 1970` studies into wild

tumshie, and stovie stocks, much the same was said as you have detailed above at that time, no attention was paid and now the stocks are all but non existent in the wild. :schmoll:

[Sportsman]

I did mention in the thread that the info on depleted wild stocks was straight from the Shanter report. Thomas Shanter the author has made a long and in depth study of the matter. You may well remember that he also carried out the 1970` studies into wild

tumshie, and stovie stocks, much the same was said as you have detailed above at that time, no attention was paid and now the stocks are all but non existent in the wild. :schmoll:

 

I wasn't aware that they had let "Mr" Shanter out of the clinic. His new medication must be an improvement on the last lot

Since the event with the Cambodian "ladyboy" and the sheep his opinions have been pretty well discredited

BTW stocks of wild stovie are at an all time high in this area although I have to admit, I havn't seen a tumshie for a good while

[Andy_1984]

i have on a few ocassions made some americans belive that haggis was truly a wild animal that lived in the highlands, i told him that they were small hairy things and had no legs but to get around they would just roll around, he totaly believed it and i bet he still does, also made an english man believe thatr haggis was nothing more than a sheeps stomoch which aint far from the truth but i told him that everything inside the haggis was just what the sheep had ate, just pull its stomoch out tie the ends, boil it and enjoy

[Newt]

Haggis is easy enough and since I think we have a sub-species growing wild in the Blue Ridge mountains near my home, probably not in much danger of going extinct. We also have several others that stay in the lowlands and whose ancestors were know to wander around making oinking and grunting noises.

 

The part that worries me a bit is that eating too many of them seems to have made some Scotland folk become very confused about the veggies to eat with them. I have heard local turnips with relatives in Scotland muttering about veggie-racist Scots finding a whole new sort of plant to call turnip while the real ones are pretty much ignored.

 

I have tried to tell them it was all some sort of misunderstanding rather than a deliberate bit of anti-turnip bigotry on the part of the Scots but don't think I was believed.

[Sportsman]

Your right Newt, the species of Haggis you have is descended from Flora, a pregnant haggis that stowed away on the Mayflower, and then escaped. This means of course that her offspring must have bred with each other (something unheard of in the Blueridge mountains I'm sure)

It's a little know fact that due to a mis-translation by Hiawatha (who wasn't as bright as people thought ) it wasn't Turkey but Haggis that kept the early settlers alive, so really you should be celebrating Thanksgiving with a Haggis dinner. The only problem is that given the American Hunters prediliction for shooting anything that moves, the Haggis could go the same way as the Passenger Pidgeon (http://www.wbu.com/chipperwoods/photos/passpigeon.htm) so possibly we should keep this one to ourselves.

BTW the Scots "neep" is more properly called a Swedish Turnip or "Swede" and in every other country in the world is used as animal fodder. The Scots don't just eat them, but they bash them first, which I have always thought was a demonstration of unecessary violence, but then again, this is Scotland

[Newt]

From a friend on an ebay.co.uk discussion board, http://haggishunt.scotsman.com/

 

You will have to hurry because the contest ends on the 25th.