Favourite Irish jokes?

[Steve Burke]

Apoologies to anyone who might be offended. I won't be, despite being of Irish descent!

 

Two men were sitting next to each other at a pub.

 

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

 

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

 

The first guy says, "So am I! And whereabouts from Ireland might you be?"

 

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

 

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

 

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

 

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

 

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

 

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

 

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

 

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

 

About this time, another guy walks into the pub, sits down, and orders a beer.

 

The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

[argyll]

Sean and Patrick are out shooting rabbits. Sean's gun goes off and Patrick falls to the ground. Sean dials 999 on his mobile and asks for an ambulance. The operator asks' whats the problem' Sean replies 'Its Patrick I havent checked but oi tink he's dead' The operator says 'well before we do anything, you have to make sure that he really is dead' Theres the sound of a gunshot and Sean says 'so now what do you want me to do ?'

[severus]

How do you know when two Irishmen are gay?

 

When Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

[paul.saunders]

here about the irish Nurse that thought a cubicle was a square bol###k

[Guest sslatter]

Paddy goes for a job on a building site, and the foreman says:

 

"Okay Paddy. I'm just going to ask you a couple of questions to see if you're up to the job."

 

Paddy replies: "Okay Sorrrr.."

 

The foreman says: "So Paddy..what's the difference between a girder and a joist?"

 

Paddy replies:

 

"Well.. Girder wrote 'Faust', and Joist wrote 'Ulysses'.."

[John S]

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a pub. The barman looks at them and says "Is this some kind of joke?"

[Cartman]

Seamus goes for a job on a building site.

The foreman says "Can you make tea"?

Seamus replies "Yes".

The foreman then asks "Can you drive a forklift"?

Seamus replies "How big's the tea pot"!

[Guest sslatter]

A group of workers get jobs in the Gulf, but on the flight over, they crash-land in the Sahara desert.

 

Paddy comes to, and finds himself surrounded by sand as far as the eye can see, and he bursts into floods of tears.

 

The foreman comes over and asks: "What's up Paddy? Why are you crying?"

 

Paddy surveys the vast expanse of sand, and replies:

 

"What the hell are we going to do when all the cement arrives?"

[Waterman]

Irish scientists have developed a cure for which there's no known disease.

[*Ant*]

Paddy is standing on the balcony of his apartment when he sees his mate Murphy fall past and hit the pavement with a splat.

At the inquest a judgement of suicide was past. NO! NO!, Paddy protests, Murphy died from a sexualy transmitted disease!

As he fell past me I distinctly heard him say "Paddy....i'm a gonner 'ere".