HAVE A LAUGH

[Bobj]

Clever Flight Attendant

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and
asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant,
“If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did”.

"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Qantas always pulls out on time and ask her explain that to you."

[Newt]

Elmer, Leroy, and me

 

A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and he would fill in the hole. While he was digging a new hole, the other man was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you digs a hole and the other one fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: Elmer, Leroy, and me. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back in.

Elmer's job's been cut ... so now it's just me an' Leroy.

[barry luxton]

[barry luxton]

The Importance of Accuracy in your Tax
> Return
>
> The HMRC has returned the Tax Return to a man in Evesham after he
> apparently
> answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the question, Do
> you have anyone dependant on you? The man wrote: "2.1 million illegal
> immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle
> scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 600+ idiots in
> Parliament and the entire European Commission".
>
> The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable...
>
> The man's response back to HMRC was "Who did I miss out?"
>

[Newt]

:D

 

I know the feeling.

[Newt]

I was on Ft. Myers Beach, Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Detroit."

So I broke the window, stole the GPS, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

[rob.imk2]

also known as a council job

[jack1432]

In my citizenship (pointless) exam there was a question that said: What is an asylum seeker, as I pay no attention what so ever in citizenship lessons I put: Someone who needs help mentally and needs to go to a mental asylum.

 

Only when I told my mate I found out the proper answer.

 

I still got a C in the exam:)

Edited February 11, 2013 by jack1432

[barry luxton]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out
with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it
was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner
and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They
discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old
gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical
relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat
quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and
whispered
'Is that one word or two?'

[barry luxton]

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.

 

 

He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

 

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. It tasted unpleasant.

 

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

 

"No, not at all," says the chemist, pulling a face.

 

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.

"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

 

 

 

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.

 

 

He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

 

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. It tasted unpleasant.

 

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

 

"No, not at all," says the chemist, pulling a face.

 

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.

"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."