HAVE A LAUGH

[Sportsman]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three

wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband

the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and

he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

 

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

 

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here

and continue feeling good.

 

Male readers :

Please scroll down.

 

 

 

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

 

 

 

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really

smart.

 

 

 

 

 

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

 

 

 

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that

women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

[poledark]

Now that's a good'n did your doctor tell you that?

 

Den

[ayjay]

Edward Deidde, the man who spent his entire life explaining that his surname was pronounced "deed" has collapsed.

 

He was airlifted to hospital where he was pronounced dead.

[ayjay]

Old MacDonald was dyslexic.......

 

 

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OO EE III EEE III

[Ken L]

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

 

The doctor says to the woman: "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

 

"Do you think it will work?" she asks.

 

"It's worth a try," he says.

 

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says: "Father, you're not going to believe this."

 

"What happened?" asks the priest.

 

"You gave birth to a child!"

 

"But that's impossible!" says the priest.

 

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

 

About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says: "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

 

The son says: "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

 

 

 

The priest replies: "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."

 

 

 

 

 

The congregation was listening attentively to the Homily when suddenly...

 

the Church was filled with smoke. When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail. Immediately, panic set in. People crowded through the doors, trampling each other in their rush to get away. Satan watched the retreat with great glee, but his mood was disturbed by the sight of one man still lounging comfortably in his pew.

 

"Do you not know who I am?", Satan thundered.

 

The man's reply was nonchalant, "Sure I do."

 

Satan was puzzled. "Do you not fear me?"

 

"Nope."

 

"Why not?"

 

The man snorted, "What for? I've been married to your sister for 35 years!"

 

 

 

 

I was working my market stall with my wife, selling fruit. Business wasn't going too well so I made her model the bananas to drum up business. "Oh how sweet, does the lady come with the banana?" an old woman joked.

 

I laughed. "Yes she does, but my knob tends to do the job better."

 

 

 

I went to the doctor and told him that I was suffering from premature ejaculation. He said "It must be very stressful for your wife"

 

I replied "To be perfectly honest it's getting on her t*ts"

 

 

 

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

 

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f@@k your brains out, and suck your t@ts dry."

 

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

 

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job

[barry luxton]

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

 

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'

 

 

 

The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old b@stard what it is.'

[barry luxton]

thanks Ray Bailey

 

 

 

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and

said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will

surely die".

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send

 

him off to work in a good mood.

2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and

put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back

to work.

3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't

burden him with household chores.

4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy

his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor

had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.

[ayjay]

Bought the mother-in-law a pug puppy as a present the other day.

 

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes, the smell and the rolls of fat, the puppy seems to be taking to her.

[barry luxton]

A man in Newfoundland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,

 

 

 

"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

 

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

 

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

 

She calls Newfoundland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

[ayjay]

You know you're getting old when you go into a room and then cannot remember why.......

 

 

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........and it's the toilet.