Can we have a joke section please?

[Simon Everett]

I'll start the balls rolling with this one....

 

 

Apple Computers reported today that it has developed a computer chip that

can store and play music inside women's breasts.

 

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always

complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[musket]

This ones true-honest.

I was in the supermarket last week doing big shop with the obligatory list provided by my wife.A new neighbour recognized me and commmented on me doing the shopping:"I like to see a man with a list" she said-

I said nothing just leant far over to starboard.She just looked at me strangely and walked away.

[Mark Crame]

Two seagulls sitting on a perch. One said to his mate "can you smell fish?"

 

Two seagulls sitting on a perch. One said to his mate "can you smell fish?"

 

To increase the pain of this further with a second, and more relevant punchline to this forum:

 

"Yes, Can-oe?"

[phooey]

Guy gets a job at a zoo and the foreman gives him 3 tasks for the day.

 

First is to clear the fishpond of weed. Whilst doing so a fish jumps up and bites him. "I'll teach you " he say's and he he smacks it with his rake and kills it. Oh Christ - what have I done ? If the boss sees this I'll get sacked...I know I'll feed it to the lions. So he throws the fish into the enclosure and sets off for the next task - clean the monkey cage.

 

He is busy shovelling away when the monkeys start lobbing coconuts at him. Infuriated the man say's " I'll show you who's boss" he takes his spade and smacks them on the head. "Oh my God what have I done ? If the boss finds out I'll be in trouble" so thinking' Lions eat anything' he takes the corpses and throws them over the fence.

 

His last job is collect honey from the African bee hive. All goes well until he gets stung. In a rage he stomps the bees into pulp. " Oh no - I gotta hide the evidence or I'm done for" He scoops them up and chucks them to the Lions as well.

 

 

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders over to the pride and says "Hi, I'm new here and was wondering what the grub's like "

 

"Its GREAT" comes the reply...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Today we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy bees."

[Cork_Bass]

woman takes a lover home during the day while

her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees

them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

 

The lover climbs into the cupboard, not realising that the

little boy is in there already.

 

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "£250"

 

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the

boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

 

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "£750"

Man - " OK. Sold."

 

A few days later, the boy's father says to the

boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside

and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I can't, I sold

my ball and boots." The father asks,

"How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"£1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge

your friends like that.

That is much more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church to see the priest and make

sure you confess."

 

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy

sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start all that again,

you little bastard.

You're in my cupboard now."

[Janet]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

 

 

 

40-ish - 49

Adventurous - Slept with everyone

Athletic - No tits

Average looking - Ugly

Beautiful - Pathological liar

Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills

Emotionally secure - On medication

Feminist - Fat

Free spirit - Junkie

Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person

Fun - Annoying

New Age - Body hair in the wrong places

Old-fashioned - No BJs

Open-minded - Desperate

Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate - Sloppy drunk

Professional - Bitch

Voluptuous - Very Fat

Large frame - Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate - Stalker

 

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

 

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

 

 

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

 

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

 

And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside

[Martin Hurst]

One Saturday morning Simon gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs his dog and goes to the garage to tie up his Yak to the car and down to the driveway he goes

 

Coming out of his garage the rain is pouring down: it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow and sleet mixed in with the rain. The wind is blowing at over 50mph.

 

Minutes later he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house. Turns the TV to the weather channel and he finds it is going to be very bad weather all day long, so he puts his Yak back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

 

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible". To which she sleepily replies, "Yeah, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?"

[geoffd]

A hippie gets on the bus and spots a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her "Can we have s*x?"

 

"NO," she replies, "I'm married to God."

 

She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard >turns to the hippie and says "I can tell you how to get to have s*x with her!"

 

"Yeah?" says the hippie.

 

"Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

 

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery suggested on the next Tuesday night.

 

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have s* x with me."

 

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to an*l s*x, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

 

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

 

"Ha-ha," he cries "I am the hippie!"

 

 

 

 

 

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!"

[riverside]

A young boy went to his father and asked, “Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million

dollars. Finally, go ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you found out”. So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?” The mother replied, “Of course I would. I wouldn't pass on an opportunity like that.” Then the boy went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The sister replied, “Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity.” Then the boy went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?” “Of course” the brother replied, “Do you realize how much a million dollars could buy?” The boy pondered it all for a few days and went back to his father. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?” “Yes sir,” the boy replied. “Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer".

[salmo6934]

Bloke wakes up in hospital, he has a broken leg and arm, 3 cracked ribs and has a golf club wrapped round his neck.

The doc asks him what happend.

He replied, "I was playing golf with my wife and she sliced a shot which landed in a field with cows in it, I seen a cow with something white sticking out of it's ar*e and walked over and lifted it's tail, I lifted the cows tail and said, this looks like your's. Thats the last thing I remember".