Got Any Good Jokes????

[Alan Taylor]

SharSam:

Anyone got any good jokes?? We've got a bit of a competition going on at work but I'm completely useless at remembering jokes, so I'm hoping for a little help from you lot      (I'll print them so I  Can't  forget)  The ruder the better    

 Cheers!    

If you have broadband and still want jokes email me, I have literally thousands.

 

Alan

[SharSam]

Thanks Alan but Haven't got broadband, I live in a little village & modern technology takes a while to get here, the next village on has just got it so shouldn't be long now!!

[Guest sslatter]

A bloke gets on a plane and is pleased to see the most attractive woman he has ever seen sit down next to him. They strike up a conversation, and he asks:

 

"So..where are you headed?"

 

She replies:

 

"I'm going to the Chicago Nymphomaniacs Convention, where I have to deliver a lecture."

 

"Oh.." replies the bloke. "So what's the lecture about?"

 

"Well.." she replies.. "It's about raising peoples' awareness about some commonly-held sexual myths."

 

"Oh.." replies the bloke. "What are they then?"

 

"Well.." she replies. "It's not true that the afro-caribbean man is the most well-endowed; it's actually the Native American."

 

"Oh.." replies the bloke with interest. "Anything else?"

 

"Well.." she replies. "It's a total myth that the French make the best lovers. It's actually the Irish..

 

Anyway.." she continues. "Here we are chatting away, and I don't even know your name!"

 

"Oh.." replies the bloke, thinking quickly. "My name? It's Tonto.. Tonto Murphy."

 

[ 02. June 2004, 07:46 PM: Message edited by: Graham X ]

[Little Tinca]

[Ed Matysiak]

This is great

[MickJ]

Wife arrives home to find husband stood in the middle of the room holding a fly swatter.

 

"What are you doing" she asks

 

"Killing flies" was the reply

 

Wife "Any luck"

 

Husband "Got 5 so far, 3 males and 2 females"

 

Wife "How can you tell the sex"

 

Husband "Easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the 'phone"

 

[ 03. June 2004, 09:40 AM: Message edited by: MickJ ]

[Guest sslatter]

Lol! :-)))))))))))))))))

[Guest sslatter]

Two flies playing football on a saucer, and one says to the other:

 

"I'm bored with this."

 

The other one replies:

 

"Don't worry..we'll be playing in the cup tomorrow."

[Ed Matysiak]

LMAO

[Chris Goddard]

Two gays having a bit of a cuddle ina dark alley and a Bobby happens upon them. he grabs the one and holding him against the wall he cuffs him. "Wheres your mate gone then" he asks, "Cos' when I find him I'm going to shove this bloody truncheon wheer the sun don't shine!!" And a squeaky little voice out of the dark comes "I'm in the biggest dustbin!"

 

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy!" she

yelled, "We were counting today and all the other kids could only

count to four,

but I counted to ten. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! See?"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

 

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy,"

she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other

kids could only go to D, but I went all the way to G. A, B, C, D, E,

F, G! See?"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

 

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy,"

she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all

the other girls had flat chests, but I have

these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

 

"No, Honey, it's because you're 24."

 

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy

class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the

surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor

started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to

have 2 important qualities as a doctor.

 

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving

the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet,

stuck his finger in the anus of the cadaver, withdrew it and stuck his finger in

his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

 

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns

sticking a finger in the anus of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,

"The second most important quality is observation. I inserted my middle finger

and sucked on my index finger.

 

Now learn to pay attention."

 

 

Chris