Got Any Good Jokes????

[Cartman]

Just found out why they paint a cross on the

backs of some sheep.

 

Apparently,they are the ones that kick.

[Blackvelvet]

 

Blackvelvet

[MickJ]

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

 

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

 

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

 

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

 

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

 

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

 

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

[awaaar]

whats the fastest thing underwater?...

 

 

A motorpike and sidecarp.....bum bum

[MickJ]

You know your’ drunk when:

 

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?

8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.

9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

10. You fall off the floor

11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive

14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!!

15. Roseanne looks good

16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.

18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

19. You've fallen and can't get up.

20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

[Colin Payne]

You know that Marina from Stingray, yeah you oldies remember her, beautiful girl from under the sea? Well she really exists.....honest I know, I used to date her! Problem is she started to get too serious. All I wanted was a bit of fun with no strings attached!!!!

[MickJ]

Tech Support

 

Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:

 

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

 

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

 

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

 

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

 

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

 

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

 

7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

 

8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

 

9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

 

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

 

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

 

 

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

 

13. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

 

14. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

 

As Ripley would say, believe it or not!

 

[ 02. July 2004, 08:24 PM: Message edited by: MickJ ]

[severus]

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100. "Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away.He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000, he asks again. "Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again: "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000?"

 

She thinks about it for a while and "Hmmm $10,000, eh? "Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there". So they went to that alley and she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them,....but not biting. In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks:

"Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah", he replies. "Costs too much."

[Little Tinca]

My sense of humour

[MickJ]

A lady walks into a bar and says,'' Barkeep, gimme a martooni.'' The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini.

 

She downs it and says, ''Barkeep, gimme another martooni.'' So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says,'' Would you like another?'' She says,'' Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn.''

 

The bartender says, ''Okay, there are three things wrong here:

Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.

Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and

Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray.''