HAVE A LAUGH

[wotnobivvy]

[*Ant*]

[Bobj]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. 

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

 

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money ? 

A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ? 

A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

 

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a   ;   high-definition  TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? 

A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Bunnings, the money will  go to China or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on petrol or diesel, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or      ;   China  ...
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Asia, Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala .. 

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea . 

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan. 

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go  ;   to management bonuses and they will hide it  offshore. 

Instead, keep the money in Australia by:

 

1) Spending it at garage sales, or 

2) Going to footie games, or 

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or 

4) Beer or 

5) Tattoos. 

(These are the only Australian businesses still operating in Australia. )

 

Conclusion: 

Go to a football game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a garage  sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

 

 

[Bobj]

I  was  on  Guard  of  Honour,  waiting  for  the  King  of  Saudi  Arabia,   on   Horseguards.

 

Right flank:   Scots  Guard  (100 guardsmen),   a gap,   then  HM Queen,  mounted  and  in uniform, along  side   Colonel  Gerald,   a  gap,  then  left  flank  was  the  Queens  Company  Grenadier  Guards  (100 guardsmen).

 

We  are  stood  at  ease  waiting.  Colonel  Gerald’s  charger  erupted  with  horse  farts,  full  volume  for  two  minutes. 

 

Colonel  Gerald  says   “Sorry  about  that  your  Majesty!”

She  replies,  in  a  wonderful  voice   “That’s  alright  Gerald,  I  thought  it  was  your  horse!”

200  guardsmen  silently  cried  with  laughter,  and  tapped  their  rifle  butts  on  the  gravel.

From  that  moment,  every  man  there  adored  her !!

[Huge_Vitae]

A drunk fisherman who smelled of beer sat down on a subway train next to a priest.
The man's shirt was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half-empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his torn coat
pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the fisherman turned to the priest and asked, "Say
Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", Then returned
to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk fisherman answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does!!

[Huge_Vitae]

Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for lunch.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal.

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy.

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco, they live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Edited October 30, 2022 by Huge_Vitae

[Huge_Vitae]

[Huge_Vitae]

[Huge_Vitae]

[wotnobivvy]