Attacked In My Bivvy

[Leon Roskilly]

Like most phobias the fear can be overcome by psychological treatments (such as shock therapy).

 

 

In these hard time such therapy can prove too expensive.

 

But thinking about it, how hard can it be to deliver electric shock therapy?

 

Some electrical wiring, a sufficiently strong electrical current and a bucket of water should do the job.

 

If Elton is still showing signs of his trauma/phobia at the next fish-in, I think we owe it to him to give it a try....wait until he's asleep in his bivvy, you hold him down, Lyn can stand by with the bucket of water and I'll apply the electrodes.

 

I know that he will thank us once it's all over.

[DavyR]

A prediction of events at the next Wingham fish-in?

 

 

John.

 

Now you're not keeping up again, are you, John? I've already posted that one...

[gozzer]

Now you're not keeping up again, are you, John? I've already posted that one...

 

 

My most humble apologises Davy, I didn't see your post.

I can only think I must have been dazzled by the eloquent account of the events as provided by Mr Wordbender, in the next post.

 

Any way I think my 'tag line' was funnier.

 

John.

[Elton]

Guys,

 

I warned you that these false stories would appear, didn't I?

 

Want to know the true reason behind their creation? Fake-Croc envy, that's what it is.

 

The moment I opened my rucksack and took out my £5 fake Crocs, I got 'the look'. There were a few comments at first, thinly veiled as jokey put-downs, but the underlying meaning was quite obvious for all there [1] to see. He wanted those brown rubber totty-magnets and wasn't going to stop at anything to get them. 'The Look' became my shadow for two days - it followed me everywhere.

 

After his fifteenth cup of blagged coffee, Terry 'I don't bring a kettle, because I don't drink hot drinks' Doe started being a bit TOO nice, offering to cook tea (he loves it when you call it 'tea' and not 'dinner' ) and even insisting that he washed up my plate and utensils. He had some happy-snappy disposable camera thing with him and offered it in exchange for the fake Crocs at one point, but I was 100% not interested in his camera.

 

On the final morning, I thought I'd done well to keep hold of my footwear and couldn't wait to escape back home. However, I was half-expecting a final assault on my bivvy, which is why I was in such a state of readiness at that hour. Even though I was fully aware of his Gypsy background, I never realised that the rabbit-whisperer would go so far.

 

Quite how he trapped that rabbit, I don't know - he may have snared it in a non-lethal snare type thing during the night, hit it with a stun-ballbearing from his Dennis The Menace catapult or even have brought it from home for all I know. What I do know is that he, most definitely [2], scared it into a frenzy and tossed it like a furry hand grenade into my open porchway at first light.

 

What he didn't bank on, though, was my years of Army-cadet training! Like a flash, I was up and out of my sleeping bag. A lesser man would have shouted a few expletives and stumbled out onto the bank in a confused daze. Not me, though. No, I quickly slipped on my fake Crocs and then shouted a few expletives and stumbled out onto the bank in a confused daze.

 

Wordbender failed to get his hands on my fake Crocs and now he's failing, dismally, to trick you lot. You all know how tough I really am and that if it had simply been a case of one not-even-fully-grown rabbit sneaking in through a poorly-erected bivvy, then this story couldn't possibly relate to me.

 

Don't you?

 

[1] Admittedly, I was the only other one there.

[2] Okay, so I have no proof, but that shouldn't get in the way of facts.

[Newt]

Such risk taking to spend time fishing with the evil and diabolical Wordbender. I am in awe of your courage but question why a family man would willingly run such risks.

 

However, I am very glad you cleared it all up for us.

[Leon Roskilly]

Hmmm!

 

I'm thinking that Elton's courage in the face of wabbits should be tested .......... Only so that we know the truth of the matter like.

[Dick Dastardly]

Elton,Elton,Elton Im so sad that you have not realised the truth of the matter.Mr Doe isnt your nemisis he is your saviour!

 

Have you learned nothing of the nuances of haute carpture over the last few years? The problem wasnt that the brown crocs were fake it was simply that they were indeed brown.As Realtree crocs are not readily available it is accepted that green ones may be worn....... but brown!?

 

Your true friend was trying to remove them from you in an attempt to protect your bank cred not because of his envy for them or any inherited genetic cleptomania.

 

Now you know the truth I hope you hang your head in shame.

[Vagabond]

Hilarious - puts me in mind of the original "session carping" funny story concerning Redmire.

 

Rather than hijack this thread, will start a new one.

[Wordbender]

*Sigh*

There is only one way to deal with such a degree of delusion. I am, once again, obliged to offer the factual version of Elton's Fantasy Island account.

 

I warned you that these false stories would appear, didn't I?

 

Real meaning: I bloody knew he'd use the vicious truth to make me look like a total queen!

 

Want to know the true reason behind their creation? Fake-Croc envy, that's what it is.

 

Real meaning: This is the best I can come up with, and even I don't think you'll fall for it.

 

The moment I opened my rucksack and took out my £5 fake Crocs, I got 'the look'. There were a few comments at first, thinly veiled as jokey put-downs, but the underlying meaning was quite obvious for all there to see. He wanted those brown rubber totty-magnets and wasn't going to stop at anything to get them.

 

Real meaning: I've started, so I'll finish. Don't worry, I'm not allowed near sharp things.

 

He had some happy-snappy disposable camera thing with him and offered it in exchange for the fake Crocs at one point, but I was 100% not interested in his camera.

 

Real meaning: I. Must. Have. That. Camera! Mine looks like I got it out of a cracker compared to his. It's so unfair. Why would he not accept my children in part-exchange? WHY?

 

On the final morning, I thought I'd done well to keep hold of my footwear and couldn't wait to escape back home. However, I was half-expecting a final assault on my bivvy, which is why I was in such a state of readiness at that hour. Even though I was fully aware of his Gypsy background, I never realised that the rabbit-whisperer would go so far.

 

Real meaning: I was half-akip, scratching a thickening crust of unpleasantness off anything I could reach, oblivious of what was going on around me.

 

Quite how he trapped that rabbit, I don't know - he may have snared it in a non-lethal snare type thing during the night, hit it with a stun-ballbearing from his Dennis The Menace catapult or even have brought it from home for all I know. What I do know is that he, most definitely, scared it into a frenzy and tossed it like a furry hand grenade into my open porchway at first light.

 

Real meaning: A ickle baby rabbit hopped into my bivvy.

 

What he didn't bank on, though, was my years of Army-cadet training! Like a flash, I was up and out of my sleeping bag. A lesser man would have shouted a few expletives and stumbled out onto the bank in a confused daze. Not me, though. No, I quickly slipped on my fake Crocs and then shouted a few expletives and stumbled out onto the bank in a confused daze.

 

Real meaning: I absolutely crapped myself. No really, I did.

 

Wordbender failed to get his hands on my fake Crocs and now he's failing, dismally, to trick you lot. You all know how tough I really am and that if it had simply been a case of one not-even-fully-grown rabbit sneaking in through a poorly-erected bivvy, then this story couldn't possibly relate to me.

 

Don't you?

 

*Puts fingers in ears and runs away shouting 'La-la-la-la-caaaaaan't heeeeeearrrr yooooooou!*

Edited August 19, 2009 by Wordbender

[craig carr]

Just a heads-up:

 

If you hear any stories about a certain website-owning carp angler running out of his bivvy at half six in the morning, shouting expletives and believing that the world was caving in, just because a rabbit had entered his bivvy and decided to do the 'wall-of-death' around it, please ignore them. They are totally untrue.

 

Honest