France....... the complete military history

[argyll]

The Complete Military History of France

 

 

- Gallic Wars

- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

 

 

- Hundred Years War

- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

 

 

- Italian Wars

- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

 

 

- Wars of Religion

- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

 

 

- Thirty Years War

- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

 

 

- War of Revolution

- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

 

 

- The Dutch War

- Tied

 

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War

- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

 

 

- War of the Spanish Succession

- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

 

 

- American Revolution

- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

 

 

- French Revolution

- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

 

 

- The Napoleonic Wars

- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

 

 

- The Franco-Prussian War

- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

 

 

- World War I

- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

 

 

- World War II

- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

 

 

- War in Indochina

- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

 

 

- Algerian Rebellion

- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

 

 

- War on Terrorism

- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

 

 

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

 

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

 

Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."

 

 

With only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided the following losses:

 

Norse invasions, 841-911.

After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.

 

 

Mexico, 1863-1864.

France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

 

 

Panama jungles 1881-1890.

No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

 

 

Napoleonic Wars.

Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.

 

 

Haiti, 1791-1804.

French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

 

 

India, 1673-1813.

British were far more charming then French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

 

 

Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.

Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

 

 

1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.

French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

 

 

Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.

Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.

 

 

French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):

 

1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.

When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.

 

 

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.

Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

 

 

Third Crusade.

Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

 

 

Seventh Crusade.

St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

 

 

[Eighth] Crusade.

St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

 

 

Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

 

 

Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me:

 

Seven year War 1756-1763

Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).

 

 

Richard Mann, an American in France wants to add the following:

 

The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.

[Alan Stubbs]

Alors, mes braves?

braves?

 

you're 'avin' a larf son!

[Ken L]

A proud history marred only by the fact that they beat us and comprehensivly replaced our own nobility with theirs in 1066.

[chesters1]

we were conguered by normans who also beat up the french we were beaten by bad luck after giving norther invaders a bloody nose we rushed back and missed dinner

waterloo was a german (prussian) victory had they not turned up our shoe wear designer might have been in flipflops.

in the relief of paris in ww2 the french saw action cutting the hair of french women ,nowadays they live off them

a little list of america's "wars" here hopefully the british empire put them in the shade ,i leave it up to the reader how many were won but i think there on a par with france

http://whatreallyhappened.com/usinterventionism.html

interesting site but it may be a tad biased ,not saying its true but surprised it hasent been closed if it wasent,makes saddam look like a saint

tried to make it balanced and find a list of british interventions but i guess the list is to big but we do have a couple of complete race extinctions so we may be no 1

 

[ 05. July 2005, 09:59 PM: Message edited by: chesters1 ]

[Gaz51]

argyll:

The Complete Military History of France

 

 

- World War I

France is saved by the United States. .

Ahem, excuse me. Are we missing another nation of combatants here.

A nation who were there from the start of hostilities.

Namely Britain.

 

Ironic isn't it, America saves the world but are reluctant to become involved from the start.

Yes, they helped out enormously during the two world wars (when they eventually entered the arena)

 

Tends to stick in the throat when you consider all the British lives lost in the 1st War only to be told that America saved France.

 

Hollywood portrays the same picture. There was hardly any British involvement in the 2nd World war apparently.

 

I also blame our politically correct education system for not teaching children the history of Britains past in schools. OK they are aware of Vikings, Normans etc (All invaders to this isle) but know very little of WW1 & WW2. :mad:

[peter mccue]

Winston Churchill was a great man, & like all great men he had the ability to see the potential of all possible aids to power.

 

After WW2 he wanted to build up our film industry to rival that of the U.S. He of course, saw as the Americans did, that films were a great way to get your version of events across to the world.

 

Unfortunately the rest of the cabinet disagreed.

 

The result is the rest of the world now knows the truth.

 

We Brits had little to do with WW2.

 

We didn't crack the enigma code.

 

We didn't invent the Submarine.

 

We had nothing to do with the creation of the internet.

 

We didn't invent the first true computer.

 

In fact I wonder whether we Brits are a figment of our own imagination!

 

Quite agree Townlad, Political correctness is the greatest threat to our society at present.

[Alan Stubbs]

quote:

---

Political correctness is the greatest threat to our society at present. [/QB]

---

Does anyone recall being asked if it was OK to adopt a culture of political correctness?

 

I certainly wasn't and political correctness is unacceptable to me - it masks inadequacies. For example, Bald is bald - follicly denuded takes twice as long to say as does most other PC boll*x, and it insults the intelligence.

[Nutshell]

What a wonderfully unbiased and historically acurate account of French military history that list is.

 

Whatever floats your boat.

 

Funny how some people seem to forget the importance of Russia in helping to win the war too.

 

As for today's pupils not studying WW1 and WW2... When were you last at school?! That is practically all they're taught in history classes these days!

 

------------------------------

 

quote:

---

PC exists to balance out the bigots.

 

Britain is obsessed with political correctness. Now, before you nod enthusiastically in agreement and start dusting off the hilarious rubber gollywog hidden away in your loft, I'm not referring to the necessary and useful corrections to prejudice that have been made in the name of PC over the years. What I mean is: Britain is obsessed with the idea that PC is a conspiracy, a hurricane of embittered, lefty oppression determined to strip us all of the right to speak as we find. It has resulted in a terrible, cultural black hole in which only Marks Thomas and Steele are funny, goes the argument, and to make up for decades of imperialism, all white Britons should leap over the cliffsof Dover in a futile but poignant lemming-style suicide/apology.

 

And yet, not everything that happens to us that we don't like is because political correctness has gone mad. Some of it is because things need changing. Brace yourself - but some of the old ideas that we call "traditions" are rubbish. The clearer, better, computer-generated BBC weather reports are not a PC trick. Neither is the fact that both Julian Clary and Graham Norton are on BBC1 on the same night (it's a mistake, but PC it ain't). Some gays and Asians and Muslims and disabled people pay the licence fee too, so would the straight, white, able-bodied, Christian, PC-phobic majority just shut up for a bit? (Don't worry, another ethnically cleansed Only Fools and Horses or EastEnders will be along in moment or two.)

Accusations of politically correct thought control have become a pathetic and transparent excuse for lazy racists, sexists and Islamophobes the land over. Challenging PC has become a game of chicken for bigots - daring each other to run out into the busy PC motorway and say something stupid before dashing back for cover. Who will dare to go the furthest without actually invading Poland? The Tories? Ukip? The Daily Mail? An excellent comic by the name of Chris Addison has said, "You can tell people who read the Daily Mail because they follow every stupid thing they say with the phrase '... but I suppose that's not politically correct', and think that makes it OK to say whatever they want."

 

Thus the Mail's coverage yesterday of the war crimes trial of the British army Colonel Jorge Mendonca suggested that he has been "dragged into a politically correct witchhunt". Tssk. Typical of the PC brigade - one Iraqi man gets beaten to death and they are down on you like a ton of righteous liberal bricks! The chap wasn't even English! (I should point out that Mendonca was allegedly only in charge of a group of British soldiers who beat a civilian to death, he didn't actually beat a civilian to death himself.)

 

The magazine the Week has a column called PC Watch, which this week bemoans the fact that the National Trust has stopped allowing children to collect eggs and feed goats at Wimpole Hall in Cambridgeshire, in case they pick up germs. That's not PC, that's parasitic "no win, no fee" litigation companies continuing to put a price on every stubbed toe, achy neck or wet fart they can get their hands on. It's greedy insurance companies hiking the premiums every time the lawyers get a win and a fee.

 

Political correctness is as exploitable as any other progressive ideal, but its aim is to stifle the incessant noise of those who flap their careless lips without a thought about those they might offend and why that might be important. PC exists to balance out the loudest voices, who assume that the things they are used to are somehow sacred or (God forbid) "traditional", just because no one's had the sense or the balls to change them.

---

[peter mccue]

Hmmm spiky post Nutshell, I thought the original post was just another humourous skit on our neigbours, part of the entente cordiale so to speak. You know just as the French, Germans & just about everyone else has a pop at the Brits cooking, bad teeth, our abysmal public services & so on.

 

Surely its better we take the mick out of each other, rather than sort out our differences on the battlefield (well better for the French anyway )

 

As for political correctness, in its place its a worthy ideal, however, when the righteous among us turn it into a crusade then it becomes a serious problem. As soon as you start loading the dice against people (yes I'm aware of the irony concerning racism) you encourage them towards the very thing you're trying to prevent.

 

Ordinary men & women all over the country see the PC zealots riding roughshod over their own values, & at the same time seeing the law of the land being applied selectively to their detriment.

 

The potential for disaster is immense, already we are seeing major growth in the far right parties throughout Europe, that on it's own should make the PC police think twice. I'm afraid though that zealots are not known for their balanced viewpoints.

 

For the law to be respected by the majority, it should be applied equally to all the citizens of Britain without exception, can you truthfully put your hand on your heart Nutshell & say that the PC brigade is helping that cause?

[Andrew Boyd]

Anyone fancy the following job . .

 

Health and Safety officer at the Gay Pride offices ?

 

Enough said.