HAVE A LAUGH

[Clifftop]

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.

The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.
"But a man is sitting on the well!"

[ayjay]

An insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded!

It was a Jihadi long legs.

[Bobj]

[Andrew]

Edited October 17, 2014 by Andrew

[barry luxton]

 

 

 

 

 

Never Force Children To Pray

At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the prayer.
"But I don't know how to pray," he replies.
Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.," says his father.

"Okay," stuttered the boy.
"Dear Lord,...

Thank you for our visitors and their children,
who finished all my cookies and ice cream.
Bless them so they won't come again.
Forgive our neighbour’s son,
who removed my sister's clothes and
wrestled with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, please send clothes
to all those poor naked ladies on my
daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter
for the homeless men who use
mom's room when daddy is at work.
AMEN"
Dinner was cancelled.

 

 

 

[barry luxton]

 

 

Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking up his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best as he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?"

Randy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly… it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

[Newt]

The testicles of a midget hurt and ached almost all the time. He finally went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants so the doctor could have a look. The midget dropped his pants and the doctor started his examination.

The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and after he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical Scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side..........

Then

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

To the midget's amazement the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told him to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching. The doctor said," How does that feel now?"

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?

The doctor replied : "I cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots."

[Newt]

Some have asked what I'm going to be doing in retirement.

Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 gun turrets at

various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside sound system that was going to blast the whole neighborhood.

It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.

The City Council told me, "Forget it...IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!"

So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque'

Work starts on Monday.

I love this country.

It's the government that scares the heck out of me!

[barry luxton]

French scientists after having dug to a depth of five metres last year found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network more than 200 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American ...
archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper
wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times
saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old
copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, 'The British Archaeological Society of Northern
England' reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet
in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught
local amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found "absolutely bugger all". Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be British.

[Newt]

:D Good stuff.