Competition for Newt

[Poolboy]

The sherrif goes into the saloon lookin for the brown paper kid.

He starts askin around if anyone has seen him:

 

'Whats he look like Sherrif?' asks the bar man

 

'Son he's got a brown paper hat, brown paper coat, brown paper trousers and brown paper boots'

 

'Nope havent seen him .... Whats he wanted for anyhow?'

 

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'Rustling'

 

 

Another daft one, stop me if you've heard it:

 

 

 

A bloke rings his local chemist.

 

He asks, "Do you sell incontinence pants?"

 

"Yes sir," says the chemist.

 

"Can I ask where you are ringing from?"

 

"The waist down", replies the man.

[Vagabond]

 

Yep, two good 'uns

 

 

But why the heading "Competition for Newt" ?

 

My first thought was :-

 

"Interesting, but who wants to win him?"

[Apache]

 

WHo would enter?

[Newt]

All righty then. You guys asked for it. I had avoided ever posting any Spoonerisms because not only are they bad, you have to think a little to get the point of them. But .....

 

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A brother at a monestary tried sending out lots of unwanted advertisments, but he was arrested and put in prison.

He was also very unpopular in prison. After all - no-one likes monk jail.

 

 

A very nervous man became an investments broker. Whenever there was bad news about a company he held shares in, his nervousness would make is feet begin to sweat profusely.

It's apparently a common trait in investment circles, though - bad news makes your socks stink.

 

(err - those would be junk mail and stocks sink

 

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And to see how sharp you lot are, how about some panagrams - sentences as short as possible but containing every letter in the alphabet. I'll give you a couple to start off with and since I am such a nice fellow, these are longer than some other possible ones.

 

We promptly judged antique ivory buckles for the next prize. (50 letters)

 

 

Sixty zippers were quickly picked from the woven jute bag. (48 letters)

[corydoras]

Q. What's the difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's baton?

 

A. Well one is for cunning stunts and the other you will need to work out for yourselves!

[little onions]

Man goes into a chemist and asks for a particular brand of condom.

Chemist says,

"Sorry sir, we don't stock those. Have you tried

Boots?"

Man replies,

"I was hoping to slide in, not march in"

[Apache]

BAD! BAD!! BAD!!!

[Ed Matysiak]

[MrWiggly]

Panagram ...

 

The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over The Lazy Dog.

 

(35 Letters)

[Vagabond]

little onions:

Have you tried

Boots?"

Another version is that it leaks through the laceholes.

 

 

Another story from way back when this stuff was in common use.

 

Lady in chemist "Two ounces of flowers of sulphur"

 

Chemist "That will be fourpence, please"

 

Lady "Oh, if I go to Boots I can get it for threepence"

 

Chemist "Ay mam, and if you go to h*ll you can get it for nothing"

 

Do you still use it in spells? and do you know that yggdrasil is the best wood for broomstick handles?