HAVE A LAUGH

[Guest Rabbit]

Well I thought it was funny!

Why does that not surprise me!!

[Huegh Angler]

Why does that not surprise me!!

 

I guess that some of us have a sense of humour and others don't.

[Newt]

At the risk of posting and not offending anyone, I'll add this one.

******************************************

 

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

 

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car."

 

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

 

After about six weeks, his father said, "Son, I've been real proud.. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."

 

The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.

 

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

[Newt]

[Newt]

The Good Grandpa

 

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal, and soda in their respective aisles.

 

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way round, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."

 

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

 

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as a grandpa."

 

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Albert -- the little ****'s name is Steve."

[Chris Goddard]

Last 10 pence

 

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..

He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

 

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

 

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

 

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

 

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!

 

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and

coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

 

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

 

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

 

 

'No,' the woman replied.

 

I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

 

In a recent interview,

General Norman Schwarzkopf

was asked if he thought

there was room for forgiveness

toward the people who have harboured

and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated

the 9/11 attacks on America.

 

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said,

 

 

 

"I believe that forgiving them is God's function.

OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

 

AMEN

[Bobj]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

 

 

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter,' I bring you Peeking Duck!

[Clifftop]

Charlie was fixing a door & found that he needed a new hinge, so

he sent his wife Mary to Bunnings to buy one.

At Bunnings, while waiting for the salesman, Mary spotted a

beautiful bathroom tap set. When the salesman was free, Mary asked him

"how much for the tap set?"

"That's made from pewter & it is $300.00" he replied.

"My goodness, that's a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. She then

proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie sent her to get, & the

salesman went to the storeroom to find it.

From the storeroom he yelled " Mary, you wanna screw for that

hinge?"

Mary replies " No, but I will for the tap set"

 

................... & that's why you can't send a woman to

Bunnings.

_________________

[Newt]

Please enjoy and understand the following

 

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

 

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

 

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

 

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

 

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

 

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

 

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

 

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

 

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

 

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

 

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

 

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

 

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

 

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

 

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

 

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

 

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

 

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

 

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

 

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

 

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

 

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

 

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

 

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

 

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

 

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

 

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

 

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

 

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

 

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

 

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

 

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

 

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

 

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD

[Newt]

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL

 

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello?'

 

'Mrs Adams, please.'

 

'Speaking.'

 

'Mrs Adams, this is Dr. Jones at Saint Lukes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Adams arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

 

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Adams asks nervously.

 

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

 

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Adams.

 

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

 

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

 

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.