HAVE A LAUGH

[Worms]

A woman walked into the doctor's surgery, bruised and battered.

 

"Good lord, what happened to you?"

 

"My husband came back from the pub last night and beat me up"

 

"Terrible, terrible, hummm......I know, here's a prescription for some super chewy chewing gum. The next time your husband comes back drunk just take two and chew as hard as you can"

 

Anyway, a week later the woman comes back for a repeat prescription.

 

"Doctor, that was amazing, I did exactly what you said and he just goes to bed, sleeps 'til morning and gets up and goes to work as normal....................the only problem is, when I take the chewing gum I find it impossible to talk!"

 

 

[Vagabond]

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'

'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.

'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

 

One that went the rounds in the early days of artificial insemination....

 

A farmer had arranged for the vet to come and administer inseminations to some of his cows. He had to be at market that day, but considered his cowman could handle the situation.

 

He briefed the cowman, but that product of three centuries of village inbreeding could not get his head round the technology. Kept asking whose bull the vet was bringing. Finally the farmer said "There will be no bull - the vet will see to everything. Before he arrives, just tie each cow to its manger, same as we do when milking" , and off he went to market.

 

The cowman pondered the information.

 

When the vet arrived, he was greeted by the cowman. "Morning Mr Herriot, it's all ready for you, I've tied the cows up, swept the byre out, and put a nail in the wall for you to hang your trousers on"

[barry luxton]

Very light coloured hair girl from essex came skipping happily home from school, 'mummy, mummy all the kids in class could only count upto four, i counted upto ten' and continued to do so. 'Is it because i have such light coloured hair ,mummy', yes was the reply.

 

Next day she came home again in a happy mood, 'mummy, mummy, all the kids where saying the alpahbet and could only get upto d, i could go onto k' and continued to do so.'Is it because i have such light coloured hair mummy'. Yes was the reply.

 

One the third day, same again,'mummy, mummy, did sports today, in the showers all the girls were flat chested' and she lifted her top to expose a loverly pair of 36dd's. Is it because i have such light coloured hair'. No came the reply. It's because you are 24 years old.

[barry luxton]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

 

 

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

 

 

 

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

 

 

 

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

 

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.

 

 

 

"Holy Cow thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

 

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock.

 

 

 

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

 

 

 

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

 

 

 

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

 

 

 

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

[Newt]

ROF - very most excellent.

[Alan Stubbs]

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

 

 

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

 

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

 

Officer: Can I see your license please?

 

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

 

Officer: Don't have one?

 

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

 

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

 

Older Woman: I can't do that.

 

Officer: Why not?

 

Older Woman: I stole this car.

 

Officer: Stole it?

 

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

 

Officer: You what?

 

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

 

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

 

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

 

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

 

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

 

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

 

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

 

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

 

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

 

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

 

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

 

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

 

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

 

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner..

 

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

 

 

 

 

 

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

[Alan Stubbs]

Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP buying a large bag of

> Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when

> a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

> What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and

> have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a

> dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably

> shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd

> lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out

> of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way

> that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and

> simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is

> nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it

> again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue

> was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended

> up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her

> no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car

> hit us both.

>

> I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he

> was laughing so hard.

>

> I'm now banned from the Co-op.

> Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in

> the world to think of daft things to say.

[Zigs]

Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP buying a large bag of

> Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when

> a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

> What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and

> have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a

> dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably

> shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd

> lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out

> of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way

> that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and

> simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is

> nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it

> again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue

> was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended

> up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her

> no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car

> hit us both.

>

> I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he

> was laughing so hard.

>

> I'm now banned from the Co-op.

> Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in

> the world to think of daft things to say.

 

Me and Mrs Becky gigiling uncontrolably :D

[Newt]

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

 

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

 

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

 

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

 

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

 

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

 

A Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

 

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

 

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

 

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

 

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

 

The room fell silent.

 

God Bless the enlisted man!!

[Alan Stubbs]

A blond & brunette see a guy with dandruff. Brunette says we should give him some Head & Shoulders. Blonde says how do you give shoulders?