HAVE A LAUGH

[ayjay]

THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND

 

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed.

 

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

 

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

 

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

 

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

 

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

 

"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.

 

"That's me before the surgery."

 

[corydoras]

thanks for that, cory. the only french i know is sold by mcdonalds (french fries )

If I had not married a French lady, I would be just the same as you,

[Bobj]

BLONDES

 

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

 

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

 

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

 

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

 

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

 

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

................................................................................

...............

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

 

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

 

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

 

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.

 

He asks what she is doing.

 

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

 

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

 

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

 

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

..............................................................

After a long night of unbridled sex, the blonde asks her friend: "Say, do you have AIDS?".

"NO!", the bloke answers firmly, "Of course not!"

"Oh, that’s good", replies the blonde, "I don't wanna catch it again".

[Clifftop]

[Bobj]

 

Hmmmmm, I must be slipping.....only two roly poly boys......

OK , how's this?

 

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

 

I hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

 

Sincerely,

P. Niss

 

The Response:

 

Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and

exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

 

Sincerely,

V. Gina

[corydoras]

I hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

You forgot "Every morning I have to do press-ups until I vomit"

[Bobj]

Fart Rugby

 

A little old couple prepares to go to bed..............

 

They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, " 7 Points."

 

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

 

The old man replied, "It's fart Rugby."

 

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Try and conversion - 7 points each".

 

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Penalty - 10 to 7."

 

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty 10 each."

 

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10."

 

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail.

 

Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he craps in the bed.

 

The wife says, What the hell was that?"

 

 

The old man says, "Half time, change sides."

[Bobj]

Paddy and Mick were living in Parramatta and visiting the cross one night, when they decided to go home the trains had stopped running.

They decided to catch a cab but none would stop and hitch hiking was a lost cause,as they trudged along they came to a bus depot. "Lets pinch a bus Paddy" says to Mick, "you keep watch and I'll go get it."

So Mick's standing next to the gate and he hears rrrrrrr vroom crash smash, silence, then rrrrr vroom crash bang, silence. This happens 5 times and finally Paddy smashes out through the gate in a bus and Mick who's getting scared because of the noise, he then jumps up and calls out "what the hell were you doing back there?" he asks Paddy. to which he replies, "you wouldn't credit it Mick, but they had parked the Parramatta bus right down the back of the yard.

[Clifftop]

 

 

 

3 for each of the last two.

[Bobj]

DON'T TRUST LITTLE OLD LADIES!!

 

 

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

 

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

 

He answered, "That's okay."

 

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mum" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

 

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."

 

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

 

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

 

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

 

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

 

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said

you'd be paying for her things, too."