HAVE A LAUGH

[Bobj]

ALL GRANDPAS, NEED THIS WARNING:

 

Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the shops!

 

A small boy was lost at a large shopping centre.

 

He approached a uniformed policeman and said,

 

"I've lost my grandpa!"

 

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

 

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

 

"Glenfiddich scotch and women with big tits.!!!

[Bobj]

[Clifftop]

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,

I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

 

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

 

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

 

Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

 

"Tiger Woods."

Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

 

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

 

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

 

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

 

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

 

Tiger wouldn't do that."

 

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

 

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

 

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

 

"Now what are you doing?" she asks.

 

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

 

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

 

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

 

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

 

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

 

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

 

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

 

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[Bobj]

Dear Abby:

I am a crack dealer on the NSW Far North Coast who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in the suburb KingsCross and one of my sisters, who lives in Cabramatta, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Newcastle. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non parole life sentence in Grafton for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Silverwater Jail on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Dubbo and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, the heroin habits. All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is a Pom? mir27

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

[Bobj]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm a gynaecologist." That's when the proctologist fainted

[Bobj]

"Honest, officer, there is no stop sign."

 

[Bobj]

From an old bird.......

 

Remember old folks are worth a fortune with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomachs.

 

I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life.

 

Frankly, I have become a frivolous old girl. I’m seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up Will Power helps me out of bed. Then I go to see John. Next it’s time for Uncle Toby to come along, followed by Billy T. They leave and Arthur Ritus shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long; he takes me from joint to joint. What a life! Ah yes I’m really tired and flirting with Al Zymer.

 

PS: The preacher came by the other day. He said that at my age I should be thinking about the here after. I told him, “Oh I do all the time. No matter where I am, if I’m in the parlour, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement, I ask myself: Now what am I here after!

 

From A Golden Oldie!

[Clifftop]

Computer Dependency

 

This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

 

Are you male or female?

 

To find out the answer, look down... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

 

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Look down, not scroll down.

[Bobj]

A few funny pics

 

http://www.compfused.com/directlink/4457/

[severus]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day/10-pound weight loss program. The next day there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 pounds as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20-pound program.

 

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while before he can continue, so for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 pounds as promised.

 

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50-pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely, " he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."