HAVE A LAUGH

[Bobj]

A 47 year old man has a face lift for his birthday. On his way home from

the clinic he pops into the newsagent to buy a paper. Before leaving he

says to the newsagent, " I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do

you think I am?" "About 35." is the reply. "I'm actually 47 years old"

the man says, feeling really happy. Next he goes into the fish and chip

shop and, again, before leaving he asks the same question, to which the

reply is,"Oh, you look about 29." This makes the man feel really good.

While standing at a bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She

replies, "I'm 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young

there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your

trousers and play with your wedding tackle for ten minutes I will be able

to tell your exact age." The man thinks about thinks "What the hell" and

lets her slip her hand down his trousers. Ten minutes later the old lady

announces, "You're 47 years old." Stunned, the man says, "That was

brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you

in the chip shop."

 

=======================================

 

Last week I crashed into the back of a car. The bloke got out, believe it or not he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'M NOT F****** HAPPY"

I said, "Well which one are you then?"

 

:clap: :clap:

[Clifftop]

"Heartfelt Funeral Service"

 

 

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a

graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The

funeral was to be held at a newly established cemetery way back in the

country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and, being

a typical man, I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour

late. I saw the back-hoe and the crew which were already eating their

lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

 

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, but stepped to the side of

the open grave, where I saw the vault lid was already in place.

 

I assured the workers that I would not hold them up for long, but this

was the proper thing to do.

 

The workers all gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out

my heart and soul. As I preached, the workers began to say Amen, "Praise the Lord," and "Glory." I really got into it, as I preached, and I

preached, like I had never preached before: from Genesis to Revelation.

 

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer, and walked to my car.

 

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the

workers saying to another,

 

"I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in

septic tanks for twenty years."

[Bobj]

:thumbs: :thumbs:

 

 

 

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own and went to the

lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young

lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

 

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation

with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she

had nothing else on.

 

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

 

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,

"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door and

leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at

him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts,

they are full and 100% natural! I work out ever day! My butt is firm and solid!

 

Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part

of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming?

 

That was me."

[poledark]

Oooooooooooooooher..

 

Den

[Clifftop]

[Clifftop]

A guy walks into the chemist shop and says to the assistant 12 condoms please Miss.

She says don't you Miss me.

ok he says make it 13.

Edited June 1, 2007 by Clifftop

[Ian FG]

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

 

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10 pounds.

 

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

 

So God said "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

 

God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

 

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

 

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

 

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double Cheeseburger. Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And super size 'em". And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

 

God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then Satan chuckled

 

and created the National Health Service.

 

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

 

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

 

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 

CONCLUSION:

 

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Bobj]

Apologies to Newt........

 

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.

 

"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

 

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

 

"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

 

Bush looks up and says... "How many is a Brazilian?"

[barry luxton]

Apologies to Newt........

 

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.

 

"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

 

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

 

"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

 

Bush looks up and says... "How many is a Brazilian?"

 

Brill more please

[Ian FG]