HAVE A LAUGH

[Janet]

[Newt]

LOL - excellent.

 

We use a similar system for sorting out black bears from grizzly bears by looking at the scat they have left.

[Jeff S]

The C-5 pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the G.I.s the usual information regarding seat belts, parachutes, etc.

 

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan.."

 

An old M/Sgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

 

When the attendant came by he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

 

"Yes," said the Attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

 

"My God," he said, "I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing Sarge," said the attendant,

 

"We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit."

 

"It's The Box Office"

[Chris Goddard]

[Bobj]

DEAR DOROTHY DIX

 

Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find younger, sexy

men who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

 

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through

menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish

the basement.

 

When you are done you will have a place to live.

 

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year

old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

 

Q: How can you avoid spotting wrinkles every time you

walk by a mirror?

A: Take off your glasses.

 

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

 

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with

short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a

problem.

 

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. [True-True-True!]

 

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

 

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds

when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these."

[Bobj]

Regardless of one's age, you simply should always plan ahead:

 

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

 

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

 

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

 

'Interesting,' the newsman thought.

 

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

 

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

 

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

 

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

 

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

[Bobj]

Subject: Shopping at Victoria's Secret

 

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a

sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several

possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the

more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for

the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes it home.

 

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs,

put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so

sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it

on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow,

and keep the $500 refund for myself."

 

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

 

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500,

they'd at least iron it!"

 

He never heard the shot.

 

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

 

Closed coffin.

[barry luxton]

 

got to be a three'a.

[John S]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

 

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

 

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

 

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

[rob.imk2]

: :DD