HAVE A LAUGH

[Chris Goddard]

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists

found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the

conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more

than 100 years ago.

 

 

 

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English

scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in

the UK newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of

200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors

already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred

years earlier than the Scots."

 

 

 

One week later, The Kerryman , a southwest Irish newsletter, reported

the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in a peat bog near

Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he

found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years

ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

[Bobj]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

 

 

Dear Tech Support,

 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

 

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby League 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

 

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

 

What can I do?

 

Signed, Desperate

 

........................................................................

 

Dear Desperate:

 

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

 

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

 

But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

 

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT install mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

 

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

 

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

 

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

 

Good Luck, Tech Support

[John S]

A Christian Deed

 

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

 

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

 

He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

 

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

 

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

 

He tripped and fell on the ground.

 

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

 

At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord.

 

Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

 

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

 

"Very well," said the voice.

 

The light went out.

 

The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

 

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen."

[Bobj]

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

 

The winners are:

 

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by circumcised men.

[Newt]

ROF - love those.

[barry luxton]

very good, take another bow.

[Guest Jan V]

The sharing of marriage...

 

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

 

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

 

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

 

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

 

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

 

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

 

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

 

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

 

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

 

She answered

 

(Continue below - This is great)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'THE TEETH.'

[poledark]

Jan, that is good :) just what I needed to make me go to bed (it's 12.32 ! )

 

How's the dog?

 

Den

[Guest Jan V]

Den, the dog is doing quite well. I didn't think I had room in my heart after Pockets left us and this little guy has burrowed his way in and I can't imagine a day without him now. Follows me everywhere I go (and tolerates Newt). We're about 50% there on housebreaking. He meets the Vet tomorrow.

[MrWiggly]

"We're about 50% there on housebreaking. He meets the Vet tomorrow. "

 

Is that the dog ... or Newt ?