Up North

[Newt]

Hard to believe the French were once warlike, isn't it?

[Huge_Vitae]

Hard to believe the French were once warlike, isn't it?

Newt, are you being double entenred again..............

 

Surely you are one of those who have typed "French Military Victories" into Google and pressed the "I feel lucky" button and then followed the link

[jedibond]

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[jedibond]

- Gallic Wars

- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]

 

- Hundred Years War

- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

 

- Italian Wars

- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

 

- Wars of Religion

- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

 

- Thirty Years War

- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

 

- War of Revolution

- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

 

- The Dutch War

- Tied

 

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War

- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

 

- War of the Spanish Succession

- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

 

- American Revolution

- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

 

- French Revolution

- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

 

- The Napoleonic Wars

- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

 

- The Franco-Prussian War

- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

 

- World War I

- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

 

- World War II

- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

 

- War in Indochina

- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

 

- Algerian Rebellion

- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

 

- War on Terrorism

- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

 

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

 

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

 

Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."

[severus]

Good stuff, Jedibond.

 

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.

~ Mark Twain

[Dave Godwin]

Don't start me off about William the conker he nicked my throne, King Harold was a Godwin, i should be sitting there now Bast**d

[Newt]

So it looks like the IOW victory was about the last of it for the French then.

 

I gather your ancestors fought them so hard it took the fight right out of them and they haven't gotten it back even today.

 

Good show then.

[argyll]

On the other hand, their cities survived two world wars intact, they have one of the best standards of living in Europe and they currently are not dying in Iraq.

 

If it hadn't been for the late but timely appearance of Marshall Bluchers Prussian cavalry looking for payback after their defeat at Ligny, a certain N. Bonaparte and the Imperial Guard would have peed all over the Duke of Wellington at Waterloo and we would all now be speaking french as a first language.

 

Just a thought you understand

[gozzer]

This is one of the most racist threads I've read on AN, with only one post showing a little condemnation.

 

 

Strange old world aint it.

[Huge_Vitae]

If it hadn't been for the late but timely appearance of Marshall Bluchers Prussian cavalry looking for payback after their defeat at Ligny, a certain N. Bonaparte and the Imperial Guard would have peed all over the Duke of Wellington at Waterloo and we would all now be speaking french as a first language.

Methinks you ought to put a bit of study into the actual battle of Waterloo and, in particular the previous 'meeting' of the French and English at Quatre Bass before you make statements based on a film

 

QED: I have, through many simulations 'replayed' the Battle of Waterloo through some very awesome software (cant seem to get about 100,000 people to actually refight the battle!) Including the software which went on to become "Time commanders" with the BBC. With all the programming of 'known details' and 'historical referance' of the time it is IMPOSSIBLE for the Guards Division to retain control of the 'Farmhouse' (The key to the battle as both Wellington and 'Old Boney' admitted) BUT THEY DID............ And not a Prussian in sight.

 

Newt, Not sure if we took the fight out of them because this would imply that they learnt a lesson from the fight, as it was NOT A MAN went back alive